While watching the pathetic Fighting Illini football team lose yet again today, I couldn’t help but notice that the talk of Cincinnati head coach Brian Kelly taking over the Notre Dame job consumed most of the broadcast. Charlie Weis has not been fired yet, but the announcers brought it up during every dead air period (which was between Bearcat plays and any time the Illini offense was on the field). Illinois, in the midst of an admissions scandal, cannot afford to fire Zook due to a recently awarded contract extension. So, here are my thoughts on some cheap, Black Friday coaching specials for the Illini:1. Coach Eric Taylor
His resume includes winning a Texas state title and going to another championship gam
e. Plus, he brings one hot wife and one hot daughter and one potentially hot infant (hope the show makes it that long). Coach Taylor is man of character since he is a composite of a better actor (Billy Bob) who won a fictional state title while playing a character based on a real man who actually won state titles. So, somewhere in there is a good coach. Zook cannot claim any championships except in Madden. Sure, he may be fictional, but he is damn believable. Maybe we could show the player clips by rolling a TV with a DVD player along the side lines. That would only cost like a couple hundred bucks.
2. Homer Simpson
In one episode, he coached the Springfield Wildcats over a bunch of teams named the Wildcats. He developed Nelson into a great quarterback. Maybe Joe Namath will make a guest appearance. My guess is the buyout from Fox will be too expensive. Maybe this
is a pipe dream or just vapor lock.3. A potato
Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno do very little coaching these days, regulating most of it to their assistant coaches and acting like CEOs. So why not a potato for 99 cent per pound? We would just need good assistant coaches. Potato is as good a recruiter as Zook. Who doesn’t love potato chips or French fries? My guess is that most offensive linemen are the way they are because of a few too many potatoes. Some coaches are big fat guys…another connection to potato. The biggest fear would be him spoiling or being eaten.
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