A New Reason to Love

ESPN was once something special. You got analysis, full box scores, long series of highlights, and stats. Now, it is just corporate sponsorship, lame home run calls, terrible live Sportscenters, and Stewart Scott's Lazy eye. Funny story, I had no idea he had one until like 6 months ago. Someone told me about it and now I am fixated on it. His goal to annoy you with catch phrases until you don't notice it anymore. Anyway, I have found some good in the network. Bill Simmons does a great podcast touching on sports and entertainment. He is very funny and insightful. His show has been promoting a new documentary series called 30 for 30. This is a series of short documentaries covering 30 large stories that have occur ed over the 30 years of ESPN existence. Some of the film makers they have lined up guys like Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights), Oscar winner Barry Levinson (Rain Man, Bugsy), and possibly Spike Lee. The preliminary list is here. Some of the topics are Reggie Miller the MSG assassin, University of Miami football, O.J., and Jordan's adventures in the minors. I am excited to see Berg's version of the Gretzky trade to Los Angeles and how the NHL finally expanded to the West Coast. Each film is independently made so they will all have a different feel based on the director. This is the kind of original entertainment the network needs along side the daily dose of Baseball Tonight and NFL Live (can't stand that show, love football but hate the show). The series should provide knowledge to once popular stories and perspective now that time has passed. Now, they must fix Sportscenter.

Sports Movies:
I hate sports movies. I don't think last second shots make for good movies because they happen in reality. I don't pay 9 dollars for reality. These movies tend to be overly sad, happy, and then formula driven (see Glory Road) I wanna see some stories. So here are my top 5 sports movies :

5. Major League- "Just a bit outside" will live on forever every time a pitcher walks a man.
4. Friday Night Lights- The movie spawned a TV show (great and NBC continues to try and kill it) and renewed interest in high school football. I relate more to the issues in this movie versus Remember the Titans which I rate lower because of the formula that the film holds.
3. Rocky- This is before Rocky became retarded (worsens every film). We wouldn't have Rambo without it.
2. Raging Bull- Scorsese was robbed for the Oscar. The boxing scenes are the best (way better than Rocky's) and there is nothing nice to say about the characters.
1. Caddyshack- Don't worry, I did not forget to include it. No explanation needed.

Best documentary: Hoop Dreams. I am not sure how these two kids became stereotypes of athletes when picked as freshmen, but they show us how hard the dream really is even when talented. Great story about Chicago high school hoops and its not so glamorous side.

Thoughts:

• The Office had an episode where they debated if Hilary Swank was hot. I am watching The Reader and I am wondering if Kate Winslet is hot. Compared to the average woman, probably she is, but not to the average movie star (lot of nakedness in the movie though). She isn't ugly, but hot? Not sure. I'd like some comments on it. She is not on my top ten celeb hot women list. May be number one in terms of acting talent though.
  
• Need some fantasy football team ideas. Hit me up on those. I have used Otm Shank, Jingle All the Way, and Porn Kings. Looking for some good ones.
• Doing an online draft...kill me. Like a bad hand job, just will not end, boring, painful, and you leave dissatisfied.
• Trustees at U of I may be asked to step down...good.
• Buerhle did Letterman's Top Ten. Funny stuff, but he is no pitch man.
• NFL camp opens this week. Always fun to have the national past time back. Sorry baseball, but the Direct TV package and gambling support the statement.

Forecast: Clouty

I am obsessed with the University of Illinois clout list scandal. Everyone knows that college is a crooked place where many are at constant disadvantage, but never has a state school been stupid enough to leave a trail of emails. U of I is not a country club private school, just the only major university in the state. I wanna make shirts saying "I'm not on the list". I hope they release the list so we can laugh at the people. Fuck you all. You have ruined the whole point of hard work and earning what you make. You all are the reason this country is near a depression and this close to being bought out by China

I am not shocked to see that the North Shore dominates the clout list high schools. People with money and connections bought their children into college. These are the children who can't accomplish anything for themselves and will always need the help of others. It saddens me to see my high school, Glenbrook North, in the 6 hole. This is the one thing we cannot say we are the best at. It is not the school's fault, but the rat faced parents. I have worked in customer service in this town for many years and met some of the most rude, out of touch people (one woman wrote an email complaining that the pizza store was closed on Tuesday, that pizza takes 15 minutes to cook, and signed it as Northbrook Mom as if she was the Duke of Wellington). Good to see things will change.

Baseball History:
Mark Buerhle pitched the 18th perfect game in MLB history and became the 5th player to have a no hitter and a perfect game. This event occurs less than 1% of all games (the Tribune has the exact number, so do them a favor and buy a paper). Even of you hate baseball, you can understand the importance of this event because you see baseball games on everyday all summer and this never happens. Buerhle is a pitcher with C+ stuff at best, and yet can succeed. He is a pitcher who understands location and changing speed. Today, we see too many pitchers who fail to understand that 100 mph is just a home run waiting to be hit. Congrats to one of my favorite players.

Thoughts:

• My drunk friend said he liked my blog and that I should blog more. He then said he could suck his own dick. Good times.
• Hurt my knee falling over a curb the other night drunk, so send flowers.
• A man was drinking Hennesey at Weiner Circle...very classy. The woman did not yell at me. I complained and she took a dollar and yelled,"Get the fuck out bitch."
• Way to go Lance Armstrong. Fuck Alberto Cantador.
  
• Turning 22 Friday. Renting a car is gonna be kinda sweet in 3 years. Whatever, probably gonna make an ass out of myself.

Lolla Fuck Up

I've gotten some complaints about the lack of blogging recently. I only took a week off, but the fact is I haven't had any inspiration until recently. Monday morning brought the news that Adam Yauch aka MCA of Beastie Boys has a treatable form of salivary gland cancer. I wish him the best of luck in his road to recovery. As expected, the group canceled their upcoming tour and have pushed back the release of their new album titled The Hot Sauce Committee. One of those canceled dates is in Chicago at a little art festival called Lollapalooza. I sat their Monday in shock and was thanking God that I had not bought a ticket. This year's lineup wasn't as good as last year's and for over $150 ($200 if you by from them driectly) I want to see at least 2 giant headliners along with some good smaller acts. I love the Killers, but Kings of Leon is not worth the extra money alone. Last year, I saw Rage Against the Machine, Radiohead, and Kanye West (those three are worth over $200 alone plus Lupe, Gnarls, and many more acts). So, I sat around selflishly speculating over who may take their spot. I read some internet stuff how a festival had this problem once and brought on Prince (I don't want to see Prince but something as large and less flambounyt would be nice). I had dreams of Eminem, Coldplay, or Foo Fighters...and today I got the answer of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Fuck YOU. They are talented and deserve it, but that is like a kick to the groin. In these tough economic times, this is what you give me for $200 face value tickets? If you bought a ticket, then they fucked you harder than Goldman Sachs did to America. I want someone who is king of the hip hop world or who can rock, not some slow stuff. I know they only have a few weeks til the show and that most bands are booked...but they have so much money to work with and still have tickets to sell. For me, I have looked forward to this event since April. I didn't mind forking over cash to a starnger on Criaglist for a ticket because this is a great festival with great acts...and now I am only going to go Sunday and see the Killers and Snoop Dog. That's fine, but it is not the same as 3 wonderful days of music. Of course, if I had bought a ticket months ago I would have probably driven down to Texas where C3 promotions are and burnt the place down for their greed. I am deeply regretting not going to Bonnaroo where not only the Beastie Boys played, but other great acts like Bruce Springsteen and Phish played. That would have been money well spent. My resolution for next year to is go to that festival (I will not take the brown acid). Vote on what I should waste my money on now...and join my twitter feed.

Youtube Hit: In honor of the previous discussion, check out the new Beastie Boys single Too Many Rappers featuring Nas.

Reveiw:
With so many free days in the summer, this is a great time to find new TV shows on DVD. Last summer, I found Arrested Development. This summer, I caught up with Mad Men, the story of a 1960s advertising executive in the ever changing world. The ad men drink, smoke, and act without regard for political correctness. What a great time. The main character, Donald Draper, has a dark and complicated past and love life which drives the show. It takes a few episodes to really get going but this show will remind you of The Sopranos. It is really smart and unique show that is way better than Heroes.

Thoughts:

• Saw an ad on Craigslist for a ticket for Lollapalooza. A girl said she would trade services for a ticket...and then mentioned they were stylist services.
• If you wanna see Funny People, do not watch the stand up special on Comedy Central. It will ruin the movie.
• Boooby Jenks (I spelled it right) is a fat ass. Get some outs ro bring back Billy Koch and Keith Foulke, who plays for the Newark Bears. Gordon Beckham is awesome.
• Walter Cronkite died...aka the king of news.
  
• July 22 1934 is when John Dillinger was shot outside the Biograph Theater in Chicago. So tomorrow, you should watch Manhattan Melodrama...or Public Enemies because we all like baseball, movies, good clothes, fast cars, whiskey,and french women. What else you need to know?
• Summer is quickly over. Good news. Excited to go back and work on my fastball with pieces of fruit in the Sammys basement, throw beer cans on the floor, and not live anywhere near the house.
  

Funny People and All Star Game

The All Star game just ended with the American League winning 4 to 3. The National League has lost every game (minus the tie) since 1996. This only furthers Bill Simmon's argument that PEDs and steroids are not inflating numbers, it is the National League's poor play (although that replay of the 1999 Home Run Derby looks jacked by today's standards). NL players deserve an asterisk for playing in such a watered down league. Since interleague play began in 1997, the AL has a commanding lead of 1673 wins to the NL's 1534. Since 1996, the NL has 5 World Series Championships, but the AL has 8 (including my White Sox, although I loved that Marlins team). The numbers clearly show that the AL is the superior league, and there are a number of reasons why.

1. Chicago, New York, and LA are the biggest markets in the USA (until LA is severed off into the ocean and becomes a futuristic prison) and each has two teams, one in each league. LA and Chicago both spend about the same per team, the Mets spend a lot, and the Yankees spend the most in all sports. The key difference is Boston. They spend the second most in baseball and have no NL counterpart (maybe Philly but they aren't even close except in obnoxiousness). So, AL has the two biggest spenders that attract the best players and force other teams to respond by attracting other good players. Also, it has made most team emphasize scouting and has produced players like Mauer, Kinsler, and Beckham (too soon?).
   
2. Pittsburgh is a minor league team that usually feeders player to the Cubs. They are there to be punched in the mouth...so add like 7 wins to every team and a ton of hits.
3. The AL has three really cheap teams such as Kansas City, Tampa Bay, and Oakland. Oakland is bad, but probably better than Pittsburgh (sense a theme), San Diego, Washington, and Arizona.
4. The Cubs try to lose. They are worth $900 million now, fuck winning. I have a theory that the fan base crumbles around the nation if they win, but the locals will stay strong. So, it is worth more to lose. The AL has Cleveland but who gives a fuck about that shit hole.

The All Star game is good fun though. I kept flipping back and forth though. I enjoyed President Obama when he joined the Fox crew. He looks good in a White Sox jersey and made a great first pitch. He'd make a great commissioner of a sports league.

Review: Funny People
I got into an advanced screening last night (thanks Jeff W. and Druker). Roger Ebert was there, although I didn't harass him. The film, directed by Judd Apatow, is about a comedian who starts out in stand up, becomes a star, makes shitty movies, and then finds out he may have a terminal disease. Sounds just like Adam Sandler....except the star part. Well anyway, he befriends the Judd Apatow guys (minus Paul Rudd) which consists of Seth Rogen the giant jew and fat Seth Rogen aka Jonah Hill. The best parts of the movie are the stand up comedy routines which were all written by the various performers throughout the film. Another great thing about the movie are the various cameos. The film features 2 hours of penis jokes (no actual penis showings...disappointing?) and 20 minutes of sad, relationship moments. Overall, it is a great film to add to Apatow's other ones such as Knocked Up and Forty Year Old Virgin. Maybe not as funny as Hangover but like all Apatow films, everyone will find something to enjoy and I think you could watch this movie over and over. There's a lot of good humor about relationships and friendships. For Sandler, I think this the best movie I have seen in him. We all loved Happy and Billy but after that he really got old and sucked balls. He fits in well with this crew of comedians and adds a lot to the film.

Thoughts:

• Manny Ramirez thanked all the fans for not voting for him. He has wanted the weekend off for like the past 10 years.
  
• During the game tonight, there was a three minute Taco Bell music video about dimes. It felt a little unnecessary because we all know that stoners can't pay attention that long.
• I wonder if Fox told Obama to make gay jokes like Artie if Joe Buck started to suck.
• If someone sees you at Harry Potter, just yell "Man, is this the line for the Hermione sex tape?" or don't and people will yell "You are a loser ". Do not say "Where's the line for Wolverine?"
• UFC 100 happened this week with the scary Brock Lesner winning the Heavy Weight belt. Will UFC go mainstream? I think it is real wrestling and violent boxing. What might hurt it? A death in the ring or more youtube videos like this one.
  

I like Booze, but I'm not a Boozer

Jeffy Wineberg wanted my thoughts on the Bulls next season, and I love doing requests.

A couple of years ago, the core of Deng, Hinrich, and Gordon were leading the Bulls from irrelevancy to the NBA Playoffs. After a disappointed year two years ago (and failing to get Kobe), the core appears to expendable. Ben Gordon is in Detroit and should kill his agent. He could have had the same money two years ago but passed on it. With inflation, he lost millions. Also, he went from one of America's greatest cities, one with culture, food, and entertainment, to Detroit, a city that compares nicely to Beirut. I am not going to miss Gordon. He is a terrific offensive player, but a terrible defender. I would rather take a chance next year on getting Chris Bosh or another big forward. Deng is hurt all the time and didn't seem to gel with Derrick Rose, who kicked Hinrich to the curb. I want to see Kaptain Kirk and Rose play together. Kirk is a great defender and could do well without having to be the offensive coordinator.

Now, it seem Hinrich might be part of a three team deal sending him to Portland, Tyrus Thomas to Utah, and we would get Carlos Boozer. Sportscenter says the deal might not happen, hopefully because the Bulls are demanding a guard also. This deal is interesting. Tyrus played so well down the stretch, but the NBA is full of frauds. Tyrus is playing with our hearts possibly. He could be playing for a contract or off drugs for the week. Nothing is guaranteed with young NBA players. Trading for Boozer solves the down low post scoring problem of the last decade, but our defense get worse. Also, Boozer gets hurt a lot, with two 30 game seasons in the past 5 years. I'm not thrilled with the trade possibility, but it would remove Kirk's monster deal and further increase cap space for the next summer (have I mentioned Chris Bosh?). Jerry Sloan is gonna love Tyrus Thomas by the way. Tyrus can't be thrilled about going to the most conservative state in the union to play for the original Scott Skiles. No groupies or cocaine there buddy (but they are into multiple girls/ wives). I want to see what Portland is giving up. Hopefully it is the the disgruntled Spaniard Rudy Fernandez. I would like him on the Bulls, since this deal would deplete the Bulls back court. Why didn't we draft a guard if this deal was around? There were so many guards in the draft and we took 2 forwards. Paxson is gone, but the curious draft moves remain the same.

Overall, the book is not finished on the Bulls. They have the talent to make the playoffs, but not the talent to threaten for Eastern Conference Championship. They need something, but I don't think Boozer is it. I would rather attempt one more run with Tyrus and Noah up front...or trade for Amare Stoudemire. Orlando, Boston, Cleveland, and Atlanta are all better than the Bulls, while other teams like Washington, Detroit, and Toronto have improved. The Bulls are close, but no need to rush by trading for a broken down all star.

Review: Bruno

I went last night to see Sacha Baron Cohen's latest film based off of his HBO series. I have been a big fan since I first watched the series on DVD (every day of freshman year 1st semester). Borat was always the best character, but Bruno had a lot of great segments as well. The film follows the same format as Borat so you sit there and know where it is going. Cohen's film targets homophobia and celebrity culture this time around, with a little antisemitism mixed in. There so many jokes grouped together that you will miss some of them because you are laughing so hard. Cohen tries to shock you over and over (two words: meat spin). One of the main targets are the people of South, one of my favorite targets (if you disagree then you are not watching the newest MTV comedy 16 and Pregnant). Overall, the movie is as good as it could be. The act has gotten around and I am sure it was not as easy as it was three years ago to trick people.

Thoughts:

• I want this video of Lebron getting dunked on. When did Nike get gestapo powers? Rumor has it that the filmers are now working in Indonesia, making soccer balls for 5 cents a ball. The truth is out there some where.
• The Black Eye Peas make me sick when I hear their songs. Fuck them straight to hell.
• Champs in Lincolnshire + Thursday Night (who knew?) = Milfs
• The kid from the latest ESPN Make a Wish segment says he likes baseball because the players make the most money. How does a 7 year old know that? The kid redeemed himself by saying the Mets play at Piti Field and rejecting Daniel Murphy's autograph.
• Fantasy Football is closing in (thank God) and I am researching players and insults.
  

Thoughts...

One minute I am watching the Sox on WCIU HD and the next minute the channel dies and I only get the regular broadcast. For all those who don't know, WCIU is the most jank tv network and does not deserve any live sporting event because it has a broadcast signal weaker than a 90 year old man's piss stream. They recently put in an HD version, so that was ok. Whoever neogiated this deal with the Sox should be shot.

Review: Friday the 13th

I have never seen original. Sorry. But I decided to netflix the new one. I almost paid to see this in theaters, but due to Dego Degarmo's poor sense of planning and time, I could not make it (he said we were going later so I went grocery shopping...insert gay joke). Anyways, the film comprises of one and a half hours of the most beautiful people in the world getting murdered by a giant ugly person. Along the way is a marijuana patch growing in the woods. I didn't know it could grow without human help. Anyone know if it can? Like all new horror movies, the beautiful models are killed while having sex or topless. At least three different pairs of tits are shown for little reason than to appease the young boys in the audience. I'm not complaining, but I want the job of casting these girls. I wonder if these "actresses" really believe that Spielberg will call them after watching them get a machette to the face topless. It is not porn, but overall more people will see you topless than if you were in a porn.

Back to the movie...yeah, there's no plot and I know nothing about Jason. It kinda starts where it ended with a lot of bodies. I wondered how the movie was going to end after 4 people die in 15 minutes....then the title screen showed up.

Thoughts...
-I was starring out the window while working out the other day at the Red Roof. A group was outside. Prostitutes or serial murders? Discuss.

-Michael Jackson or Jaco had the best funeral a child rapist could ever hope for. Not sure how Magic Johnson became a better basketball player from Jaco. Kobe was there to show that much like Jackson, sins of the past can be bought off and forgotten.

-Entourage is back on Sunday. My guess: Guest stars, Drama fights with an 80s star, Vinnie fucks up, Ari invents a new way to say cunt, and drinking will incur. A new weekly thing should be to guess the running time. For the opening and conclusion...I say around 27 minutes. Next week-18.

-On the third, Dego Degarmo stole my wallet and I harassed John Karis for taking it. I must apologize for that. I had a little too much to drink. Degarmo is fucked.

Sorry for the long break, but I have been lazy.