LIKES
Drinking in Excess: If college were a job we would all be fired by now for showing up to work every morning hungover and making an ass out of ourselves in front of our co-workers the night before. I'd probably be the CEO of that company. It's incredible this lifestyle that we lead. Hey it's Monday, let's get fucked up. Hey it's Tuesday, let's get fucked up. Hey it's 9:30 you want to grab some breakfast? Nah let's get fucked up. It truly is the best part about living in this moment, cause once its over it's no longer socially acceptable to do these things day in and day out for some reason, I'm not sure why. Drinks are so cheap too. I wake up in the morning with all these single dollar bills in my wallet, I feel like I robbed a strip club. So I say when you drink tonight raise your whiskey coke high in the air and cheers for everything that is good.
Dime Pieces: For those of you who don't know, a "dime piece" is a term sometimes used to describe a very attractive girl. Well I can attest that right now this campus is littered with thousands upon thousands of dollars in change. The weather is phenomenal and these girls are just everywhere. I walk to and from class everyday with a raging boner. Their milkshake has most definitely brought me to the yard, and they were right, it is better than yours. It's like living in a dreamland. Even clouds all look like boobies to me (side note, boobies is a really fun word to say aloud). While I will be sad when it becomes November and the weather turns cold and all these hot girls get back on their spaceship and leave for the winter, I'm waking up every day now with a smile...and morning wood.
Josh Feld's Speech Impediment: Matt "meathead" Kornblatt must have been really working out his ear muscles this summer, because after several years of getting to know Josh Feld, he has picked up on that Feld's vernacular isn't quite everything that it appears to be. He may seem fine when he writes here on this blog, but in real life he can neither pronounce the words "athlete" or "three". He changes the "th's" to "f's". It's like watching a 3 year old trying to put sentences together for the first time when he tries to correct the speech impediment himself, hilarious and adorable. Call him out on it next time you see him.
Quoting Step Brothers: I have long contested that this is one of the funniest and most quotable movies ever and finally the rest of the world is picking up on its worth. I knew it was a good sign when a few nights ago I said very loudly walking down the street, "Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to," and several strangers within hearing distance would respond to me, "Good Housekeeping!" All you people who know and understand these quotes and apply them to your everyday life, you are fantastic. It warms my icy heart. Oh and by the way, yes, bonita fish are what you would call a trophy fish, so yea, they're pretty big.
Having My Own Room: Underrately great perk about living outside the frat house and inside an apartment for the first time. This is the first time in my college experience that I've had my own room, and it feels phenomenal. I got it just the way I like it and I have so much more room for activities. With my own room, I won't get woken up by Benji snoring,or by his alarm that he never woke up for that I had to turn off, or the fat kid who wasn't in the same room as me but was my suitemate and blasted techno from his alarm at 8 every morning (I feel your pain to this day Butler), I won't walk in on Pascal wacking it cause he forgot to lock the door, I won't get disturbed from slumber too if Kornblatt has a night terror and screams bloody murder while I curl up in the fetal position hoping he doesn't climb up to my bunk and stab me. Feels good. Feels really good.
and now for the gripes...
Late Night Eating: I mentioned in my past blog how I try to eat as healthy as possible when I can, but that mentality goes right out the window when I am blacked out. When I am blacked out I care about eating healthy as much as Lindsay Lohan cares about eating (can I make anorexic jokes, are those in for Fall 09?). Back in campus town these greasy fast food places are everywhere and are open even later. I can't be stopped...well I could be stopped but then I'd have to make a conscious effort to control my alcohol intake and we all know that is not going to happen anytime soon. If you see me stumbling around late at night around the streets of Champaign, ignore the obscenities I shout at you and please kindly direct me back inside my apartment, where there are no fast food restaurants. That way I can wake up in the mornings dumbfounded, wondering how I got here, but still feel secure that I did not eat anything last night that will make me sick all day.
309 E. Green Street: Granted this will be the nicest place I'll probably live in over the next 10 years, but you fuckers lied to us. Or you mislead us. I remember a giant poster touting the giant outdoor pool that we were to have. Could you please point it out to me. I found the really fucking small one but I can't seem to find the big advertised one. Same thing with the exercise center. Is that a fake one and the real workout room is behind it? Real mature Roland Realty, real mature. Always picking on the little guy (and yes I write that knowing full well that I'm not tall and you're chuckling about short jokes about me to yourself as we speak).
The Balcony: We live 17 stories above the ground. That's a long way down. Sometimes people(me) have a drink or two(get retarded) and do stupid things (like possibly falling off a balcony). This is a legitimate fear. If you know me you understand this fear. I do not want to die right now. I'm supposed to die 60 years from now when I have to swerve my flying car to avoid hitting a mother duck and her 6 trailing ducklings but lose control and crash into a popcorn factory. I keep my balcony door locked. You should too.
Gingers: nuff said.
Deutschers Wearing Frat Shirts: Okay I get it. You like your frat and wear your frat shirts everywhere you go. Your frat shirt may look good or have a funny slogan but it does not fucking empower you. I want to punch you in your backwards hat. Wearing that shirt is not cool. You cannot consider me Miles Davis. You're just like everybody else super frat guy, and as it turns out none of us really care. Tone down the attitude and stop sucking your own dick. Thank you to Dana Mason for pointing these people out to me, it has made some great blogging material.
And that's all folks. Hope you had fun. I sure did. Think about my blog when you masturbate later. Till next time, see you later knuckleheads.
Jaco
Grant Park today is covered in crushed beer cans, old cigarettes (legal and not), and sweat from hundreds of dirty hippies. Yes, Lollapalooza once again returned to the city as formal send off to summer vacation. I missed the rainy opening on Friday and lackluster lineup on Saturday, choosing to attend the finale on Sunday. Walking over to Grant Park with Matt and Becca Druker, and the largest man in the world, yes, Daniel Dorfman revealed that the weather was going to make the day a long struggle. I think I had sweat through my shirt before arriving at the park. With temperatures in the high 90's, we sought out some air conditioning first since we had missed Cage the Elephant. We walked over to the PlayStation Tent, where Matt was quick to point out that people had paid money to do what they could have done at home for free in better air conditioning. It also smelled like vinegar. The tent was pretty lame but it was right next to the bar and bathrooms. Kudos to the promoters for giving out free water bottles. I choose to hydrate with Bud Lights, and after 5 or 6 I didn't feel any of the effects of the alcohol due to the heat.