Text Messaging and Phone Etiquette

Has it really been this long? Jaco here again. Clearly I have to pick up Feld's lack of blogging for the last 38 days without a post. The kid has feldthoughts on the the brink of the bigtime. I mean he could have been as huge as Transformers 2, expect there would be way less plot holes and the acting would be slightly better. The blog has even crossed the gender barrier as we have a confirmed female reader (thanks laura). Money, cars, women, feld had it all, but instead he decides to throw it all away for the glory and fame of a career in accounting. But everything is okay, I am a borderline superhero, and I'm here to save Feld. This week's topic is one very near and dear to me, text message and phone etiquette.

I'm going to start with what really grinds my gears about text messaging. Okay, I understand that it connects you to everybody so easily and you don't have the hassle of having to actually call someone, but it is easily the most antisocial activity of the 21st century. And here comes my biggest pet peeve, get ready. ok now. GIRLS WHO GO OUT TO BARS AND SPENT THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME TEXTING ON THEIR PHONES. what the fuck are you doing? why are you even out? Like literally I see you people standing in a circle, nobody talking, just texting other people who aren't there. That's weird. The only time when you are with a group of people and you aren't talking, you should be at a movie. I recommend seeing Music and Lyrics, Hugh Grant totally steals the show. I bet you aren't even texting guys, you're letting your boring friends who have a test a week from tuesday and are staying home know what a great time you're having when in actuality you can't get anyone to even look at you and you are a social outcast. My advice: stay at home with your lame friends, we don't want you taking up valuable drinking space at Kams.

Alright I got a little angry there. I don't apologize. I'll elaborate though now on some of the good aspects texting and cell phones have brought to our lives. It alleviates awkward moments. You're talking to somebody, the conversation kind of stalls, bam! you bring out your cell phone. You check the time even though you don't even really care what time it is, gather your thoughts, and either find a way out of the conversation or compose yourself and get everything back on track. Brilliant, thank you cell phone. Also nice is brickbreaker (sorry they don't have that on your gophone josh). I can listen to Kornblatt talk about his day of meaningless activities and then hear about the meaningless activities he plans to do tomorrow, and I able to do this all because I can completely tune him out playing brickbreaker. I do care, matthew, that you might spend 6-7 PM studying about your radar test or maybe you'll spend that time watching tv instead, I really really do care, but I care more about getting to level 18. I'm very close after all the hours I've spent not listening to you and I'd love to beat it.

For the sake of starting a new paragraph I'm gonna go ahead and continue on here but to add on to avoiding awkward moments, you cell phone is crucial when passing someone on the street. Everybody does this, I guarantee it. You spot this person like 2 blocks away, and maybe you don't really like them, maybe you don't feel like saying hello, or maybe you were really drunk and they were ugly and you would rather not see them again. Whatever the reason is, your cell phone immediately becomes your best friends. You pull it out, while keeping stride, and suddenly you have a pretend text message or a pretend email you are really focused on reading. You hit buttons acting like you're responding to this message, when really you're just moving between different screens on the phone not really doing anything. Keep your peripherals, and once you pass that person (most likely they don't even want to talk to you either and appreciate your fake text message) the phone goes away and awkward hello avoided. 

Now when you do have actual messages, there are certain meanings behind everything you say. People choose their words very carefully texting. You can't pick up tonal changes like when you actually talk to somebody, and the texted words don't always convey what you are trying to say. I'll help you out trying to breakdown some of these hidden meanings. Like "LOL". LOL does not mean you are laughing out loud. In fact, you use lol when you don't think what the person just texted you is funny at all. You probably don't know them all that well and don't want to be rude, so you go will LOL. Also used to humor somebody is "ha". You're never laughing when you say ha. You appreciate the effort that went into the joke and could see how it might be funny, but it doesn't register with you ,so you go with ha. When you think something is actually funny, then you bring out the big guns, the "haha". That means you do agree that what was just said is indeed funny and you commend them on their humorous quip. Haha is a pat on the back. You want the haha. Also the exclamation point in text messaging does not mean you are excited. You are being fake, and a deutscher. Use the exclamation point at your own risk. There are lots more texting things like this, but these words are the best examples. Oh and one last note about actual words texted, never text just the letter "k". That's a waste of a text message, there's no substance. I'd be "k" if you never send me "k" again, just don't send anything. It's mutually understood by both parties that you both get whatever it is that you're discussing and the "k" is completely unnecessary.

Finally, on my mind, is text message timing. Don't be like Daniel Dorfman. If somebody texts you, please text them back promptly. Text message etiquette says that a typical response time to a text should be within like 5 min of the text, unless you are not by your phone or you are lifting heavy weights like Feld is typically doing. Although, there is the concept of "letting it marinade", introduced to me by my dear friend Mitch. Intentionally not getting back to someone right away is making a statement. You really aren't doing anything with that time you aren't texting the other person back, but you are trying to make it seem like you do have really important and pertinent things to do, leaving an intriguing aura around you and adding to the mystery and allure of who you are and what it is that you do with your time. Power move Mitch, power move.

And that is all I have to say, hope you enjoyed the rediculousness that goes on my head translated into this blog. O one more thing, I woke up this morning with more money in my pocket than I came out with. Either I blacked out and learned how to print money or I have just solved the recession. You be the judge. Jaco, out.