Lazy Break

Fuck you. You saw the link on facebook and said, " I thought he was dead. It's been forever and his blogs suck anyways." Well, I am not dead yet and you are an asshole. Remember when you said you'd wake up early and work out everyday, but after 4 pm you are still in your boxers, still haven't showered, and played Call of Duty 50 times?

Well, you are not alone. I start work in 48 hrs and want to celebrate it with all of you with some words of wisdom.

Went to the Bulls game the other day...they won (sweet but who cares?), but I lost the Dunkin Doughnuts race. That was way more important. It is easily the greatest in-game promotion ever created. My breakdown:



Dashing Doughnut- Your typical fat kid. Fuck you. Stop eating sprinkles and frosting and try and eat some fruit. You are killing our youth and straining our health system. How the hell do you run three laps 41 days a year? I refuse to root for the fat kid because that just reinforces that type of behavior. I think the rich fat cats in the 100 level enjoy him though.

Biggie Bagel- Aka Biggie Smalls but circumcised. No one likes the bagel due to antisemitism. Omar Casspi, the Jewish Israeli NBA player, has a better shot of be picked for the all star than people cheering for the bagel (and yes, there is a Jew in the NBA, pause and reflect). I would not want to depend on a Jewish athlete when free food is on the line. I just don't like the design of the bagel. Did the cartoonist mean to make it look like a puckered asshole in the middle?

Cuppee Coffee- The best. Coffee makes the day better. End of discussion for millions of people. The cup is slender, hot, and more aerodynamic. But, this over confidence has made him lazy like the NBA players performing below the jumbo tron. So much talent wasted.


Lovie Smith Replacements for Next Year-

1. Jules Winnfield- The exact opposite of Lovie, an angry black man. He would take out his pistol and I don't think Cutler would throw another pick...but he'd pass that burger.

2. Vinny Del Negro- Wouldn't be the first job he wasn't qualified for.

3. Lebron James- Has proven to be a great basketball coach of the Cavs and was all state football. So, play for the Bulls except on Sundays where he coaches and plays.

4. Ron Zook- Somehow he keeps getting chances and the Bears love ex-Illini coaches. Do NFL teams recruit? In the NFL, players and rob, murder, and steal and continue to play...even in bowl games.

5. The Na'vi - Maybe they could link up with Cutler and try and understand what he was looking at. And...the games would be boring but cool because of 3-D.

That's it. I will try and blog in between audits. And for the love of God...go shower.