Today's topic will cover one of my favourite past times, blacking out. For some reason this feat happens to me much more that it happens to other people, I'd say at least once a week, at most eight times a week. Some of my past blackouts have included wrestling matt druker and splitting my head open on the side of a door as well as shouting at dick silverman, "Ricky, your sisters are so ugly, I wouldn't even fuck them". Thankfully I have a very loyal following who helps me recap all these delightful events that happen when I'm not really there. My most recent blackout occurred last friday, July 29, between the hours of 9-10. This day happened to be Josh Feld's birthday, and since he's 22 and his life is over I celebrated like the fun loving 21 year old that he can never be ever again. I'd like to go through the do remembers and do not remembers I have from that night...
Do: The Landmark
This event most likely sealed my fate from the beginning. Josh brilliantly suggested we wet our whistles at our local drinking establishment before we go downtown for the evening. I cheerily agreed and put on my overcoat and top hat to join him for a keystone or two. At this point my memory was clear, my speech wasn't slurred, and at no point did I make a reference to my own penis or anyone else's.
Stage of drunkness: Classy
Do: The train ride
So the drinking gods gave me a fighting chance. We had to take the train downtown. I didn't have anything to bring on the train and drink. I had a real chance to sober up, go to some AA meetings and apologize to anyone I've wronged in the past. Unfortunately the train ride was only 45 minutes long, so my revival did not last. At this point I was calm, collected, talkative and did not even appear intoxicated.
Stage of drunkness: Mickey Rose
Do: Druker's apartment
This will round out all the Do Remembers for the evening. As it is customary by young people, we drink before we go out and drink. I don't understand it, but I don't ever question it. I am a big proponent of it. It makes more sense that the concept of going to bars, which is essentially, "hey let's all leave here to pay and hang out with each other somewhere else". The lights started to dim at Druker's place. i was told that when making my captain and cokes that it was mainly captain with a splash of coke. A potent blackout concoction. At this point I was smiley, clever, and considered myself to be the best looking person in the room.
Stage of drunkness: Robert Downey Jr.
Do Not: Leaving Druker's
And I'm out. the lights are on but nobody is home. I was told that Mitch Hamer and Mickey Rose suggest we duck out now and get a cab. Blacked out causes me to be easily persuaded, so I happily complied and most likely paid for the cab. At this point I was most likely loud, obnoxious and probably used the words "tits" or "dicks" in sentences where they did not belong.
Stage of drunkness: Adolescent
Do Not: McFadden's
The bar of choice. Other birthdays were being celebrated this evening so we went here to drink and be merry. I was told here that I was headbutting friends, I was looking like a lost little boy, and I allowed Mitch to tell the birthday girl that I would do her a favor and remove the burden of her virginity (I don't think I actually said this, but kudos to Mitch for knowing how to take advantage of me for his own enjoyment). Massive amounts of money was spent here. At this point I was most likely fun, easy to manipulate, and more people were laughing at me than with me.
Stage of drunkness: Bozo the Clown
Do Not: Making out
When I am blacked out I cannot possibly see how another female would make out with me. What magic words do I use? How in the world did I manage to convince you that this is what we should be doing in the middle of a bar with many jewish girls who tell everybody everything? Hope you had fun.
Stage of drunkness: Casanova
Do Not: Getting rejected from the next bar
So we left McFadden's for some reason I still do not know. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling awesome, I'm feeling like I should stumble right in front of the bouncer at the next bar. For some reason he takes this act as enough proof that I am too drunk to enter the bar. I do not understand this reason. In my mind I am 21 years old, therefore I should be allowed in the bar. I proceeded to repeatedly wave my ID in the bouncer's face as proof of this theory. He still would not let me in. Fuck. At this point I was most likely hungry, dumbfounded, and still pretty awesome.
Stage of drunkess: puppy
Do Not: McDonald's
I was really disappointed when I heard Mickey and Mitch took me here. I love fast food. I love McDonalds. But I have obnoxious healthy eating habits and rarely eat fast food. Black out Michael forgets these notions and orders what appears to be several large fries judging by the video captured by Mickey. If I'm going to eat fast food I want to remember it, I want to enjoy it, so if I can't remember than it was a total waste. Another strange phenomenon occurred here where I temporarily, maybe for just a moment, was pulled out of my blackout spiral and back to reality. It lasted for most likely a minute, for the duration of the escalator ride at the Rock and Roll Mcdonald's. The one good thing that came out of this trip was that I invented a holiday. Its called "Fuck Dick Wednesday". Hallmark should be coming out with holiday cards this fall.
Stage of drunkness: I shouldn't be alive
Do Not: The cab home, calling Ben Klassman, and deciding to sleep at Mitch Hamer's house.
Well back to me being easily manipulated, Mickey sucks and wanted to take a cab home. So I agreed. I told Mickey and Mitch that the cab smelled like dick. I like the word dick when I'm blacked out. I also like calling Ben Klassman. I've done this for two consecutive blackouts. I don't know what I say to Ben. I don't know why. I hope you enjoy it, I hope you know it comes from the heart. I also think a decision was made for me to sleep at Mitch's. I awoke at 7:30 in a drunken haze and had plenty of time to play detective and put together the clues that comprised my night. I spent over $100. Good times.
Stage of drunkness: Done
If anyone has anything to add, please feel free to contribute. My life is a running joke. But as long as I have kashi golean, I'm a happy camper. My name is Jaco, and that's all I have to say. Peace.
I thought I was the only one who liked to talk about blacking out. Luckily you have people who fill in the blanks to make the post much more captivating. good writing though.
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