Senior Year Preview

I have wrestled with the idea of doing this article. It sounds like a cool idea, but there is so much to touch on. So, as of yesterday, this idea was dead. Today, after work, I received a sign from God much like Jesus and Abraham. I got an email from a teacher telling me to get a book, read it, expect a full day of work on day 1, and a homework list. Fuck life. When I say going back to school on Saturday, I mean go out and party, not school. So, fuck that and let's roll with the preview four years in the making. It is going to be bigger than the Olympics, World Cup, or any reunion Rolling Stones tour.

This is dedicated to the first night of school. The first time you threw up. To that weird roommate. To that cool roommate. To that party you wanna remember. To that random hook up. To that hook up you loved but hated the next day. To person you talked to for a while and now ignore. To that girl/guy. To that football game. To that session. To that bar fight. To all those times and more.

1703: Team Michael vs. Team Feldblatt. A battle brewing for many decades, perhaps in a previous life. Divided, this room will grow stronger (suck on that Lincoln). We will branch out and take over the floor with our rude and fun behavior.

The Players:
Michael P aka Handsome Bob- As a youth, he spent too long in front of mirror. Blinded by his stunning good lucks, he hopes to one day fuck himself. On the other side of that, he is unfazed in beer pong due to his supreme confidence. Currently, he wants to join the famous Luftwaffe or Tuskegee Airmen, but does not understand why he is not being accepted.

Michael J aka Bruce Banner- Banner is the man who becomes the Hulk when angry. Michael is a smart man who becomes Barney Gumble and Homer Simpson with 3 beers. Once claimed he could drink 14 shots, and failed. Recently scalped by Eli Roth, Brad Pitt, and Quentin Tarintino. Guest Blogger and potential law student, he struggles to find a cure for that and for a diet of pure Kashi Go Lean. Fighting for a cure. Unfortunately, that balcony spells bad news.

Kornelius aka The Animal- His sobriety makes Jaco look normal. Once a promising football star, now just a slow Jew. After several steroid treatments, he gave up on football to become an advertising executive like Don Draper, but more of a pervert and less hot women. He is the muscles of Team Feldblatt and will back up all of my drunken shit talking. His one weakness is that he cannot find his drinking mug.

Feld aka Smartest Man You Know- A shit talking Jew for a world with too many rappers and not enough MCs. When not ripping shots, he is dragging you down to his level. Few can match his pessimism and bleak outlook on life. He also has been know to prank with the best of him (shit in your closet). Being named Propaganda Chair of Sigma Alpha Mu has taught him the many ways of propaganda reaching from Nazi Germany to the Taliban. Constantly referring to disasters "too soon" and might not have a soul.

The games begin Saturday and end when each team looses a teammate to death by balcony or rape charge.

For the rest of you, there will be large amounts of drinking, blacking out, and other stupid shit. Bitter sweet, but I get to come back one more year.

Thoughts:

• Mad Men Season 3 Sunday
• New Team Name option: The Inglorious Basterds
• I might be the oldest person to attend a rush party next year. Maybe this year, but if I attend next year, I will set the record. Nice.
• Man goes to baseball game is shocked...by taser.