Rounders and Free Agency

In the movie Rounders, Edward Norton and Matt Damon play life long friends who are gifted poker players and hustlers. Damon plays a law student recovering after a massive loss to mysterious Oreo twisting Teddy KGB, played by John Malkovich. Norton plays Worm, a recently released prisoner, who immediately goes back to poker houses trying to cheat and using Damon's good name as credit. After running up a bill on Damon's name, Damon's character sits down for one last show down with Teddy. Only when Damon figures out Teddy's tell, he starts to win and saves his life. This situation mirrors the Bulls this week.

Mike McDermott (Matt Damon) is Gar Forman. Gar is a good guy who inherited a situation from his friend Worm, who is John Paxson. Paxson created this idea of joining the Knicks for big time free agents last year by trading for Brad Miller and John Salmons, which freed up cap space. Paxson acts out like Norton's worm by fighting with Vinny Del Negro, the coach he hired to fire for Lebron (why else would he hire a guy for nothing with no experience for two years? Vinny was fired the day he was hired.) Paxson, like Norton, is now in the shadows leaving his friend to salvage the situation. If Gar fails, he is dead. The Chicago mob will kill him. He must figure out if Teddy, played by Lebron James/World Wide Wes, if bluffing. In recent days, World Wide Wes (best sports name ever) told Yahoo! Sports that Lebron is going to the Bulls with Bosh. Jalen Rose tweeted that Lebron was leaving (1. Is Twitter a credible source now for research papers like Wikipedia? 2. Would you trust someone who wore that on the biggest day of their life?). Today, the New York Times reported the same thing from a NBA executive from a Lebron suitor. The executive claims Lebron will sit with all the teams and thank them for making an effort.

Gar has a lot at stake. If he reads the situation correctly, he can assemble a team that is NBA 2K worthy. History tells us that all champions have two Hall of Famers, except the Pistons of 2003-2004 (the worst championship team ever). Lebron and Bosh could be the next Kobe and Gasol (I said "could be"). History also tells us the Bulls are not very good with big moves and free agency. They tried this in 2000 with Tracy McGrady and ended up with Eddie Robinson (right) and Ron Mercer along with the worst record in the NBA. Side note, the Google search of Eddie Robinson just got me high, wow man (I'm so hungry, I could eat myself out of the NBA). They tried to trade for Kobe and couldn't get that done. Returning to the present, Wade is staying in Miami, and that I am 100% sure of. If Lebron stays with the Cavs, then Bosh will join him on South Beach and Gar will be scrambling. If he fails with the Lebron/Bosh signings, then he will resort to these options:

Joe Johnson: The oldest of the free agents at 29. His scoring dipped in the playoffs from 21 ppg to 12.8 in the second round against Orlando. Not exactly a "clutch" player since every highlight this year was of Jamal Crawford, a Bulls cast off, taking the last second shots. Also, he enjoys the iso offense, so not a big team guy.

Carlos Boozer: A gifted traditional post player. Great pick and roll guy in Utah. Health is not his strong suit. Out of six seasons in Utah, he only made it over 70 games played twice and one was in a contract year. Some will say that means nothing, but this is the same guy who at the last second backed out of a deal to stay with the Lebrons to bolt to the Jazz for more money, so his loyalty is about as good as his health (not saying I wouldn't have done the same, but he is shaddy).

Amar'e Stoudemire: After claiming he owns Pau and Lamar, he got beat so bad his team had to play zone the entire series. This Youtube video will test Tom Thibodeau's defensive teaching skills.





Rudy Gay: Rick Majerus summarizes it well (check out Lavin laughing). He is a good player who could help a team, just not the Bulls. I like him for the Clippers because they just need dunks, not wins. He has the potential to be the next Andre Iguodala aka Franchise Murderer.



Gar needs to figure out if Lebron is creating the news for fun or because he is serious. The franchise is on the table and we are all in (insert more poker cliches here). Up until today, I thought Lebron was staying in Cleveland, but now there seems to be so much momentum behind Chicago that I can't ignore it. We could end up winning the pot (I did it!!!) and star in The Dynasty Returns: Lebron Strikes Back and Return of the Jordans. Or we sign these other guys and finish in the second half of the conference getting our asses handed to us year after year. One day, Gar would recover and rejoin the table to play this very same game with Derrick Rose...if he makes it that long. May God be with us on July 1st and thank any Wizards fans you know.

World Cup:

The World Cup is a great break from boring ass baseball, but I hate how ESPN keeps trying to say how the win to get us into the knock out stage is going to change USA soccer. Soccer will never be big in America. Period. First, any sport that has this said every four years clearly has not made that jump and there is no evidence it will. How many times does it take to make that jump? The sport that has made that jump is MMA because Americans are sick perverts looking for death on pay-per-view. MMA is the sport that caught the mainstream by combining the snobbish pay-per-view/closet case wrestling fans and the red neck Americans. Second, the NBA, NFL, and MLB get the top athletes in our country. City kids are not buying soccer balls. MLB can't even get inner city kids to play baseball so they started the RBI program. Suburban kids all play soccer as children, yet most gravitate towards other sports with age. ESPN, have you noticed Americans suck at tennis lately? Maybe it is because our best athletes don't play tennis professionally. Drew Brees and Gordon Hayword were both excellent tennis players who chose other sports. The money and fame are all state side with the NBA and so forth. Europeans love soccer because they can be famous at home. South Americans and Africans get to leave their poverty stricken countries for the bright lights of the Western World. U.S. athletes are not going to switch over to soccer. Bringing over washed up stars like David Beckham is not going to make people care except horny women. ESPN, go apologize to Brett Favre for ignoring him during the month of June and stop pushing soccer down our youth's throats. I want my kids to be rich and play for the Lakers, not the Columbus Crew.

It has been a long time...

I haven't posted in almost 6 months. Jesus. I guess I was waiting for the Blackhawks to win the cup first. So, now that has happened, I can end the great embargo, shave my playoff stubble, cut my Kaner mullet, and return to normal. Chicago sports is once again on top for the moment until tomorrow when baseball and the great free agency flop of the Bulls dominates the stage. With both teams in the cellar and dividing the city and the rest of us infected with Lebron Fever, it is nice to have something good happen in reality.

For me, this seems like the first championship. I didn't grow up caring about baseball or even football. For me, it was the Bulls and the Hawks. Everyone grew up idolizing Jordan, Pippen, and the rest of the Bulls as they dominated the 1990's. But, I was so young. I didn't understand what it meant to play 82 games and battle the salary cap in order to be a champion. Those felt given, not earned. As a child, I'd listen to my alarm clock radio for the Hawks home games. I idolized the Hawks greats like Roenick, Chelios, Belfour, and Amonte. I loved fighting with them in NHL 94, the greatest video game ever created. I loved the sport and was too young to understand why the Hawks didn't show home games on TV or why they traded the players I loved so much one by one. I didn't understand why the owners locked out the players for an entire season. When it ended, I didn't care.

The lockout ended in 2005. I realized the Hawks were a shit product with shitty owners
hip. Old Man Wirtz ruled over the team like Golem over the ring. Cheaply, they continued to sign bad players, draft bad players, and not show games. The old fans didn't return and many new ones were dead on arrival like aborted fetuses. I was one of the many who called for the Old Man to cede control for the benefit of the team. God answered and ironically, the team improved. Toews and Kane were on the way. I had gone to a game for $7 dollars because I was a student and walked to the front row, something that wouldn't happen this season. Sophomore year, Mariner Tom and I predicted the team would be a cup contended very quickly in the next 5 years. They arrived ahead of schedule finishing a point out that season, Western Conference finalists the next, and Stanley Cup Champs tonight.

The post game coverage was excellent. I watch the big, loud ex-Blackhawk Jeremy Roenick cry. Dan Patrick asks why. You see it on Roenick's face. He never won any cup and lost in the finals with the Hawks to a great veteran Pittsburgh team. That was supposed to be him, not Toews. He was supposed to end the curse, but instead got into a nasty divorce that sent him to the Phoenix Coyotes. For me, this one was special. I understand what professional sports are now. I'm two teams away from dying a happy sports fan. Still waiting on the Illini basketball team and the Bears. I understand today that neither is a given, and that the players might not care as much as I did when I was 10.

Finally, I welcome the new Hawk fans to band wagon. I am not one of the old guard, but I remember my clock radio. Together, lets enjoy the moment because as Roenick found out, it is not a guarantee that one will see or raise Lord Stanley's cup again and unfortunately, tomorrow is the start of another shitty baseball summer.

Big Ten Welcome Guide

As of today, Nebraska is making the move to the Big Ten conference. This is the beginning of potentially a few moves including Missouri, Norte Dame, Pitt, and Rutgers. With so many newcomers potentially coming over, I thought, as a recent Big Ten graduate, I'd create a guide for an easy transition.

Academics - The Big Ten has a strong tradition of academics. Clearly, if you got an invite or are being considered, then you must have good academics. Only about half the league resides in the category "Safety School" aka Retard Academy. Also, we have been recognized several times by publications such as the Princeton Review. They rank us highly for partying and Greek life. Playboy also recognized two Big Ten school in their top ten. Not bad for a snowy climate.

Athletics- The conference has a great tradition on the grid iron. We have in the past decade gotten automatic bids to get our ass kicked in bowls. Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler created a legacy of hard hitting and pound it out on the ground football. They were replaced with slow, pussy spread offenses like that of Rich Rod and the Zooker. Kids today grow up and move south. On the hardwood, we feature some of the best guards in the game. Unfortunately, the game tends to be dominated by big men of the ACC and Big East. Our legendary coaches choked...people and games. Nebraska adds to our stellar basement of teams that includes Penn State, Iowa, and Northwestern.

Health- Big Ten campuses are known for the beautiful people. Illinois opened up the multi-million dollar ARC to keep the co-eds in shape. Unfortunately, this is the Midwest, home to Milwaukee and Chicago aka Fat Ass Metropolis. With a brat and a beer, we tend to sit around and eat greasy food. Hell, we founded McDonald's. To those eastern schools, we are at least nice, just not in good shape you Jersey Shore meat heads.

Welcome to the Big Ten/Eleven/Twelve/25.

Welcome back me, I missed you. Congrats Hawks and Kane, please don't die this weekend and use a condom.

Leno's Thoughts

I will not move my blog to 12:05 am and thus am quitting Feld Thoughts so Jay Leno can take over. Yes, that is the least original joke this week, but as a member of Team Coco, I had to make it. This week NBC looked for a way to improve its dreadful ratings and some how forgot that Heroes is still on TV. I forgot about it too so I understand. The network has yet to figure out to combat CSI, Lost, Modern Family, How I Met Your Mother, and the juggernaut know as IDOL (I only watch Lost). Some will argue that The Office and 30 Rock are great shows, and the half that said 30 Rock are correct. That show exhibits great creativity and humor every week and the average fat American is too stupid or lazy to watch. Tina Fey is really good at her job. Of course, no one really watches it since NBC shows it late and does not really promote it. The Office was once a great show full of awkward humor, but now it tries to the network version of Curb way too often. Michael Scott is stupid...only sometimes. Plus, Jim and Pam are old news. How long will they drag that baby thing out? When the hell is Andy going to hook up with what's her name? Who gives a shit?


So, NBC fired Conan. Or Conan quit. Doesn't matter because Leno forced this and the network didn't give Conan the freedom or press to succeed. He should be on Sunday Night Football doing jokes to get the everyman. He should be one the Today Show laughing it up with the morning crew. NBC set him up to fail. Middle America is not his audience. We, the college kids and stoners, are though. Conan's self degrading attitude, lack of hierarchy respect, and potty humor is what made him so great. So, Conan should go to Fox or Comedy Central and form the Justice League of Funny with Stewart and Colbert. Both networks promote their stars, allow pretty much anything to go on air, and are willing to suffer while a show starts up. Leno should get hit by a bus driven my Letterman and Conan. Letterman, who I don't get, has been great this week by showing how much hate he has for NBC and Leno. Even Kimmel has joined in by mocking Leno's show and going on it to insult him. Kimmel could be the biggest loser if ABC decides to go with Conan, but this is unlikely. His show is actually very funny but is on at a weird time. I love how he goes off script and makes Leno feel so uncomfortable. Great picture on the right...kinda looks like Leno is sucking a dick.

In conclusion, good luck Conanado. You have been so free and funny, but why did it take so long for you to relax? I knew last summer that his humor would translate to the early slot, but I didn't see this coming. And Leno...I saw this too. The monster never dies the first time around.



Offensive Coordinator Candidates for the Bears:

1. Vinny Del Negro: Why not?

2. Rex Grossman: He isn't starting and may be the only one who understands what Jay Cutler is seeing.

3. Conan O'Brien: Needs a job.

4. Jack Bauer

Lazy Break

Fuck you. You saw the link on facebook and said, " I thought he was dead. It's been forever and his blogs suck anyways." Well, I am not dead yet and you are an asshole. Remember when you said you'd wake up early and work out everyday, but after 4 pm you are still in your boxers, still haven't showered, and played Call of Duty 50 times?

Well, you are not alone. I start work in 48 hrs and want to celebrate it with all of you with some words of wisdom.

Went to the Bulls game the other day...they won (sweet but who cares?), but I lost the Dunkin Doughnuts race. That was way more important. It is easily the greatest in-game promotion ever created. My breakdown:



Dashing Doughnut- Your typical fat kid. Fuck you. Stop eating sprinkles and frosting and try and eat some fruit. You are killing our youth and straining our health system. How the hell do you run three laps 41 days a year? I refuse to root for the fat kid because that just reinforces that type of behavior. I think the rich fat cats in the 100 level enjoy him though.

Biggie Bagel- Aka Biggie Smalls but circumcised. No one likes the bagel due to antisemitism. Omar Casspi, the Jewish Israeli NBA player, has a better shot of be picked for the all star than people cheering for the bagel (and yes, there is a Jew in the NBA, pause and reflect). I would not want to depend on a Jewish athlete when free food is on the line. I just don't like the design of the bagel. Did the cartoonist mean to make it look like a puckered asshole in the middle?

Cuppee Coffee- The best. Coffee makes the day better. End of discussion for millions of people. The cup is slender, hot, and more aerodynamic. But, this over confidence has made him lazy like the NBA players performing below the jumbo tron. So much talent wasted.


Lovie Smith Replacements for Next Year-

1. Jules Winnfield- The exact opposite of Lovie, an angry black man. He would take out his pistol and I don't think Cutler would throw another pick...but he'd pass that burger.

2. Vinny Del Negro- Wouldn't be the first job he wasn't qualified for.

3. Lebron James- Has proven to be a great basketball coach of the Cavs and was all state football. So, play for the Bulls except on Sundays where he coaches and plays.

4. Ron Zook- Somehow he keeps getting chances and the Bears love ex-Illini coaches. Do NFL teams recruit? In the NFL, players and rob, murder, and steal and continue to play...even in bowl games.

5. The Na'vi - Maybe they could link up with Cutler and try and understand what he was looking at. And...the games would be boring but cool because of 3-D.

That's it. I will try and blog in between audits. And for the love of God...go shower.

Black Friday Deals

While watching the pathetic Fighting Illini football team lose yet again today, I couldn’t help but notice that the talk of Cincinnati head coach Brian Kelly taking over the Notre Dame job consumed most of the broadcast. Charlie Weis has not been fired yet, but the announcers brought it up during every dead air period (which was between Bearcat plays and any time the Illini offense was on the field). Illinois, in the midst of an admissions scandal, cannot afford to fire Zook due to a recently awarded contract extension. So, here are my thoughts on some cheap, Black Friday coaching specials for the Illini:

1. Coach Eric Taylor

His resume includes winning a Texas state title and going to another championship game. Plus, he brings one hot wife and one hot daughter and one potentially hot infant (hope the show makes it that long). Coach Taylor is man of character since he is a composite of a better actor (Billy Bob) who won a fictional state title while playing a character based on a real man who actually won state titles. So, somewhere in there is a good coach. Zook cannot claim any championships except in Madden. Sure, he may be fictional, but he is damn believable. Maybe we could show the player clips by rolling a TV with a DVD player along the side lines. That would only cost like a couple hundred bucks.





2. Homer Simpson

In one episode, he coached the Springfield Wildcats over a bunch of teams named the Wildcats. He developed Nelson into a great quarterback. Maybe Joe Namath will make a guest appearance. My guess is the buyout from Fox will be too expensive. Maybe this is a pipe dream or just vapor lock.

3. A potato

Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno do very little coaching these days, regulating most of it to their assistant coaches and acting like CEOs. So why not a potato for 99 cent per pound? We would just need good assistant coaches. Potato is as good a recruiter as Zook. Who doesn’t love potato chips or French fries? My guess is that most offensive linemen are the way they are because of a few too many potatoes. Some coaches are big fat guys…another connection to potato. The biggest fear would be him spoiling or being eaten.

Half Way Home

Remember when I promised a whole week of new content? What a surprise...I lied. I have been too lazy to muster enough anger to write something. Something about sitting around in your underwear takes a lot out of your motivation.

Blackhawk Wednesday

Today is the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, which bar owners have turned into the second biggest drinking day behind New Years. Sure, I’ll be out there stumbling with the rest of you, but there is something going on during the pregame in San Jose. Tonight, the Blackhawks play the number one team in the West, the San Jose Sharks. This is an epic battle between two very good and hot teams. Also, tonight is the debut of the best or possibly worse move the Hawks ever made. Tonight is the debut of Marian Hossa. Hossa was signed for 12 years at about 6 million per year, making him a hawk until 65 and then he qualifies for social security. He has been on the losing side of two straight Stanley Cups, but we needed a veteran. Our cap is tied up in a few veterans, so this is our shot for greatness. The outrageous spending was one of the reasons Dave Tallon, the architect of the current team, was canned. Hopefully, Hossa will make that decision look like a stroke of genius.

Marv Albert…Welcome

Marv has one of the greatest voices in the world…and the strangest of sexual appetites (bite marks?). How the mighty have fallen? Apparently, 50 Cent, another falling star, didn’t recognize Marv on Kimmel the other day and his entourage attacked Marv in the hallway. I found this hilarious but unfortunately Marv did throw his toupee (bald villain), force 50 into a sodomy situation, or even bite him. But, then I found this clip where Marv announces Nate Robinson shooting into his own basket for fun. It reminded me of Ricky Davis shooting on his own hoop for a rebound so that he could record a triple double. I’ll let you decide who is dumber.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

I am a noted Curb fan. The season concluded last Sunday with the airing of the Seinfeld Reunion Show. This season was the least clever in a while, mainly banking on the hype of the Seinfeld cast. I felt Larry David got lazy and couldn’t connect the episodes very well. It seemed like every show dealt with restaurants and tipping. The show was still very enjoyable, but not as good as the Producer or the when the Blacks joined. This season has taught me to respect my wood (insert joke here). It still remains my favorite show as it pushes you to think about right and wrong and how our culture is sometimes so backwards.

That’s all for today. Maybe a good drunk story later.

I Always Die Hard

A famous governor once declared, "I'm back." Well, don't believe the internet rumors that I died (I'm like Tupac), hanging out at Guantanamo Bay, or starving in a van in Alaska like that dumb ass from Into the Wild. Feels good to write something that doesn't suck as much cock as Jacobson. His text messaging blog hit a soft spot where my heart should be. Can't stand those people. In hell, a giant Blackberry will whip me while I perform manual labor to a constant playing of Black Eye Peas, who still are alive since I last blogged.

Druken Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives

Based off of the hit TV show, I bring you the Champaign, IL version. First stop has to be Kams to get drunk. This bar has a unique facade of orange and blue for the Illini and the yellow of urine for the drunks. The bartenders open the bar early and defecate on the floors (solid and liquid). They drop pants and go to town on every square inch with extreme pride and respect for the tradition. After covering the floor in a mixture of feces and piss, they decide to drop a box of beer bottles. This not only adds to the stickiness of the floor, but a new smell that could only be described as orgasmic. You never really can but put your thumb on it either, adding to the fun. Even the patrons get into the fun as no one really cares to use the garbage cans, opting to also use the floor. At the end of the day, this dive is a mixture of garbage and drunk people that can't be replicated without the help of underage kids who don't care about anything or anyone.

Next, you have to fill your stomach with some food, so how about Fat Sandwich? Back in 2005, the government and public demanded foods be made with less trans fats, creating a massive over stock of trans fat from producers. A young entrepreneur bought all of the fat and put it on a sandwich and then into a deep fryer. And then put fries on top of that. You want drunk goggles when you enter. If you saw what type of people work and eat their sober, you would probably think twice about your health and weight. Only in America would cheese steak with chicken fingers sound incomplete without fries, mayo, and mozzarella sticks. Maybe the best part is that they allow you to use the bathroom. God bless this mess.

Finally, no trip would be complete without Niro's Gyros. This parasite of a business leeches off the many drunken patrons of Station with great success. Something about the combo gyro meat on top of a burger sounds irresistible. Pretty much everything else is hot garbage or "hogarb". Aside from the locked bathrooms (which is key for a drunk food establishment) and the poor customer service, I think this restaurant (and I use that term loosely) is fine.

Veterans Day

I cannot remember a Veterans Day with so much attention paid to it. I think this is a very important day that needs more respect (no day off at U of I??). Here at Feld's Thoughts we thank those who sacrifice for our basic freedoms. It was nice to see the South Carolina Gamecocks wear jerseys with the core values of the army on them instead of the names of the players. So I got to thinking, why doesn't Feld's Thoughts do something? Why not bring attention benefits of freedom besides the right to put french fries on a sandwich? That why I present the Fictional American Hero of the Week:

Hans Moleman

This great Simpson's character is consistently the most funny character on the show. His wrinkly skin and low intensity demeanor balances out the rest of the cast of the show. He takes the punishment with pure joy for the rest of us. Only he would take a football to the groin so that we can laugh. Terrorists hate laughter, so Hans is a fictional hero bringing joy to Americans everyday. Here's to you Moleman.



That's it for my return entry (wearing that 45 instead of 23). Get ready for FEAST WEEK next week, a whole week of new content. Jaco hopefully will be removed so the site will suck less. Don't call this a comeback.

Text Messaging and Phone Etiquette

Has it really been this long? Jaco here again. Clearly I have to pick up Feld's lack of blogging for the last 38 days without a post. The kid has feldthoughts on the the brink of the bigtime. I mean he could have been as huge as Transformers 2, expect there would be way less plot holes and the acting would be slightly better. The blog has even crossed the gender barrier as we have a confirmed female reader (thanks laura). Money, cars, women, feld had it all, but instead he decides to throw it all away for the glory and fame of a career in accounting. But everything is okay, I am a borderline superhero, and I'm here to save Feld. This week's topic is one very near and dear to me, text message and phone etiquette.

I'm going to start with what really grinds my gears about text messaging. Okay, I understand that it connects you to everybody so easily and you don't have the hassle of having to actually call someone, but it is easily the most antisocial activity of the 21st century. And here comes my biggest pet peeve, get ready. ok now. GIRLS WHO GO OUT TO BARS AND SPENT THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME TEXTING ON THEIR PHONES. what the fuck are you doing? why are you even out? Like literally I see you people standing in a circle, nobody talking, just texting other people who aren't there. That's weird. The only time when you are with a group of people and you aren't talking, you should be at a movie. I recommend seeing Music and Lyrics, Hugh Grant totally steals the show. I bet you aren't even texting guys, you're letting your boring friends who have a test a week from tuesday and are staying home know what a great time you're having when in actuality you can't get anyone to even look at you and you are a social outcast. My advice: stay at home with your lame friends, we don't want you taking up valuable drinking space at Kams.

Alright I got a little angry there. I don't apologize. I'll elaborate though now on some of the good aspects texting and cell phones have brought to our lives. It alleviates awkward moments. You're talking to somebody, the conversation kind of stalls, bam! you bring out your cell phone. You check the time even though you don't even really care what time it is, gather your thoughts, and either find a way out of the conversation or compose yourself and get everything back on track. Brilliant, thank you cell phone. Also nice is brickbreaker (sorry they don't have that on your gophone josh). I can listen to Kornblatt talk about his day of meaningless activities and then hear about the meaningless activities he plans to do tomorrow, and I able to do this all because I can completely tune him out playing brickbreaker. I do care, matthew, that you might spend 6-7 PM studying about your radar test or maybe you'll spend that time watching tv instead, I really really do care, but I care more about getting to level 18. I'm very close after all the hours I've spent not listening to you and I'd love to beat it.

For the sake of starting a new paragraph I'm gonna go ahead and continue on here but to add on to avoiding awkward moments, you cell phone is crucial when passing someone on the street. Everybody does this, I guarantee it. You spot this person like 2 blocks away, and maybe you don't really like them, maybe you don't feel like saying hello, or maybe you were really drunk and they were ugly and you would rather not see them again. Whatever the reason is, your cell phone immediately becomes your best friends. You pull it out, while keeping stride, and suddenly you have a pretend text message or a pretend email you are really focused on reading. You hit buttons acting like you're responding to this message, when really you're just moving between different screens on the phone not really doing anything. Keep your peripherals, and once you pass that person (most likely they don't even want to talk to you either and appreciate your fake text message) the phone goes away and awkward hello avoided. 

Now when you do have actual messages, there are certain meanings behind everything you say. People choose their words very carefully texting. You can't pick up tonal changes like when you actually talk to somebody, and the texted words don't always convey what you are trying to say. I'll help you out trying to breakdown some of these hidden meanings. Like "LOL". LOL does not mean you are laughing out loud. In fact, you use lol when you don't think what the person just texted you is funny at all. You probably don't know them all that well and don't want to be rude, so you go will LOL. Also used to humor somebody is "ha". You're never laughing when you say ha. You appreciate the effort that went into the joke and could see how it might be funny, but it doesn't register with you ,so you go with ha. When you think something is actually funny, then you bring out the big guns, the "haha". That means you do agree that what was just said is indeed funny and you commend them on their humorous quip. Haha is a pat on the back. You want the haha. Also the exclamation point in text messaging does not mean you are excited. You are being fake, and a deutscher. Use the exclamation point at your own risk. There are lots more texting things like this, but these words are the best examples. Oh and one last note about actual words texted, never text just the letter "k". That's a waste of a text message, there's no substance. I'd be "k" if you never send me "k" again, just don't send anything. It's mutually understood by both parties that you both get whatever it is that you're discussing and the "k" is completely unnecessary.

Finally, on my mind, is text message timing. Don't be like Daniel Dorfman. If somebody texts you, please text them back promptly. Text message etiquette says that a typical response time to a text should be within like 5 min of the text, unless you are not by your phone or you are lifting heavy weights like Feld is typically doing. Although, there is the concept of "letting it marinade", introduced to me by my dear friend Mitch. Intentionally not getting back to someone right away is making a statement. You really aren't doing anything with that time you aren't texting the other person back, but you are trying to make it seem like you do have really important and pertinent things to do, leaving an intriguing aura around you and adding to the mystery and allure of who you are and what it is that you do with your time. Power move Mitch, power move.

And that is all I have to say, hope you enjoyed the rediculousness that goes on my head translated into this blog. O one more thing, I woke up this morning with more money in my pocket than I came out with. Either I blacked out and learned how to print money or I have just solved the recession. You be the judge. Jaco, out.

Come Hither and Learn

"They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way!"- The Untouchables

First, let me personally apologize for Jaco's latest entry. Had I know he was going to take a steamy dump on my child, I would have never allowed it. He ruined the English language. When he goes to hell on day, he will be beat up eternally by great literary masters such as Shakespeare and Hemingway for that travesty of an entry. He looks like no one and we all know that.

Now on to the news of the day...the disappointing announcement that Rio de Janeiro beat Chicago for the 2016 Olympics. Not only that, but Chicago was bounced first (even before Tokyo which was supposedly the worst of the four bids). I have been on record (what does that really mean?) that the Olympics would not benefit Chicago as much people think. Many cities were left with large, wasted facilities and little economic gain in the long term. Also, the heavy tax on Chicagoans during a recession doesn't sound like a good idea. Losing the bid is not the end of the world and we can always try again in 2020. Maybe the worst part of all of this that Obama failed. I am a supporter of Obama and his policies, but between this and his miserably slow and dieing health care plan, it is not looking to good. Going 0 for 2 in your first major league at bats is not a good sign. Maybe it was because he was there one day while the other leaders were there the whole week, but maybe it was anti-American sentiment from that Bush guy. Was there an open town hall where Fox News could place people in the stands to interrupt Obama and call him a liar? The real winners are the assholes at Fox News like that piece of shit Glen Beck. I'm sure Beck got wood when he heard Obama lost this battle. Their propaganda was focused on the fact that the country is in despair and Obama is concentrated on the games, but now they can say he lost us the bid. Way to go guys, you continue to create unnecessary amounts of fear and set our country back for years to come.

NFL Picks: 9-7 for Week2, no week 3 due to me being lazy so a total of 18-14.

1. Raiders +9 (just got McFadden and he is gonna rock Houston)
2. Jags +3 (at home? really?)
3. Ravens +2 (Pats looked like early 2000 Pats...but the Ravens are for real)
4. Bungals -6.5
5. Giants -9
6. Bears -10 (think this could be close, but Forte returns to form this week)
7. Tampa +7.5 (versus the Skins...nap time)
8. Colts -10.5
9. Jets +7
10. Bills -1.5
11. San Fran -10
12. Cowboys -3
13. Chargers +7
14. Packers +3.5 (Rodgers is Vader and Vader kills his teacher Obi Wan)

My Generic Face

Whatsup to the nine people that actually read this blog. Jaco's back, I know you missed me. I'd like to have a whole lot of intuitive and insightful things to talk about after such a long hiatus, but instead I'm going to go with a subject I think I know a lot about...me. I'm clearly awesome in so many many ways, but one thing that I don't have going for me is that there is nothing unique about the way I look. It's not a bad thing, but I apparently share my generic features with a wide range of people. Most of the time I don't see it, but I always seem to look like a different person to different people. Let me show you all some pictures of people I've been told I look like, you decide what works....

Me: Here's a picture of myself just to give you a frame of reference to what I look like and you can judge for yourselves how closely I resemble everyone else listed. 

Turtle: I get this one the most, and fine I'll give you guys this one, I dressed up as turtle for an exchange before and pulled it off wayyyy to easily. He's dating jamie lynn seigler in real life, so thanks for proving that I have the potential to attract hot girls, turtle.

Jimmie Johnson: Professional nascar driver and I hear he's a winner. I'm not really into nascar but I would love to get real drunk and go to a race someday and shout obscenities at the drivers as they continuously turn left at 150 mph for 3 hours.

Tony Stewart: Sticking with the nascar theme. Again, I still don't know much at all about nascar but I hear this guy is a jerk. In no way does he represent me and my fellow generics, he gives us a bad name.

John Cusack: Good actor, was in a bunch of 80's teen comedies that I liked. I'll check this comparison off in the win column.

Kipton: I don't know this guy's first name, but he was on the most recent season of the bachelorette. If he does indeed look like me he should have won. If he didn't win, then that show should be cancelled and I'm going to write that bitch a very impolite letter. Very Impolite.

Shia Labeouf: I don't see it, but he's not ugly so I'll take it.

Chris Paul: I actually look nothing like him...he's just awesome.

And that about rounds out my list. Let me know if you have anyone else in mind that I look like, I'm sure there is a lot more of me out there. Till next time, Jaco, out.

Would Kanye like my blog?

I think we all enjoyed the VMAs last weekend. Great performances by Jay Z and others was quickly overshadowed by Kanye West and his big mouth. Taylor Swift looked stunned as that idiot went up there and grabbed the microphone. His response on Leno was that he had been working too much. Nice try you idiot. As someone who is prone to say stupid shit, I applaud you for setting a new standard is mouth diarrhea. You are lucky though Kanye. You pissed off a legion of white country fans and stuck up for you master's wife (Beyonce is married to Jay Z and Kanye is nowhere without him). Something tells me that Swift fans and Kanye fans are two independent groups and that in a month we will not give a shit. I'm sure Jon and Kate Divided by 2 will steal some headlines or some other stupid celebrity garbage will make us forget this. But for now, we all can make jokes.

NFL Picks Week 2: (9-7 last week)
Oakland +3 (KC would have won last week, but Harbuagh must have bet on himself to go for that late touchdown to go up 14 last week.)
Titans -7
Pats -4
Bengals +9 (Ochocinco condoms : catched everything your johnson shoots)
Vikings -10
Saints -1.5
Panthers +6 (No way they suck 2 weeks in a row...looking at you Jake)
Skins -10
Cards +3
Seattle +1
Tampa +4.5
Denver -3
Ravens +3
Steelers -3 (Bears didn't show much last week and this matchup doesn't look too good)
Cowboys -3
Colts -3.5

Labor Day

Welcome back from a long and drunken weekend. Hope everyone enjoyed it safely. If you went home, then you are a pussy. You'd think 3 months was enough but I guess not, you pussy. For those who stayed, we found some new ways to have fun. On Saturday, a group of crossed "Join the Mug Club" off our List of Things to do Before We Graduate List (still on there...Quad/Stadium sex, order one last Shacker, and ride the MTD and know where I will end up). The Mug Club is a very nonexclusive club at the Illini Inn. For $6, you get two beers and must chug one. Then you are in and on Tuesdays, you get cheaper beer in a mug. Pretty sweet. The club was started in the 1970s so I am part of a long tradition. The bar is full of toothless townies and a bathroom that smells worse than the one at Kams (digest that comment...Kams smells very bad).

The real adventure came on the walk to Legends afterward. As the walking sign flashed 2 seconds remain (4th and Green), Mariner/Dego Tom and Boruszak (aka Dak) decided to run across while Druker and I sat back. A police car nearly hits them as the car jets through the yellow and quickly flashes the lights. The two were given jay walking warnings by the rookie cop. Meanwhile, we went to join them across the street where the two felons were conversing with the training officer. I offered her $20 to taser and mase Dak. She almost agreed. We continued to tell her that she had caught the biggest heroin dealers in Champaign and that needed to be frisked. Good sport about the whole thing as she agreed it was a stupid ticket.

Football:
With another Illini loss and Labor Day, the smell of the NFL draws near. My fantasy draft was Sunday and I am not overly thrilled with my team. Good potential but I must have forgotten my roots of drafting running backs early. Derrick Ward will kill or make my team.

Hopefully, Pavlov Media will fix our TV in time for tonight's game between the Champion Steelers and Titans. Steelers are -6.5 favorites and I really like them tonight for many reasons (home game, ring night, no Albert Hanyesworth). This week is the worst to bet on/predict games. We have no real idea what these teams are made, but I'll try my best.

NFL Picks Week 1
Miami +4
KC +13
Philly -2.5 (Dog friendly this week)
Denver +4 (Orton = Elway)
Minnesota -4.5 (Die Farve)
Jets +4 (J...E...T....S....jets, jets,jets)
Colts -7
Lion +13.5 (things can't be worse than last year...or can they?)
Cowboys -6
49ers +6
Skins +6.5
Seattle -8 (They are my bounce back/sleeper team...will win the division.)
BEARS +3.5
Bills +11 (I want to take the Pats, but Jauron always wins when on the hot seat.)
San Diego -9 (Raiders get killed every year to open the season.)

Thoughts:

• Beatles Rock Band is awesome. So is Keystone.
• Bronson looks sick.
• Korny decided it was a good idea to dump a bag of ice and water on me while I was sleeping. My bed is still wet and he will regret that decision.
  
• Jay Z album is good, nothing overly special but some good tunes. Got tickets to his Champaign show...good stuff.

Fighting the Good Fight

Welcome back, long time no blog for me recently. Very busy and all. But, I still have time to fight for what is right and I have found two causes that need attention brought to them. Effective today in the state of Lincoln is a brand new liquor tax. The tax is as follows (chicagotribune.com):

LIQUOR TAXES:

--On a six-pack of beer will increase from 10.4 cents to 13 cents.

--On a bottle of wine will go from 15 cents to 28 cents.

--On a fifth of distilled spirits will increase from 90 cents to $1.71.

As a poor college student and future Alcoholics Anonymous member, I am outraged. The angry economy has taken our money and prosperity and now wants to the only thing that makes life worth living, our booze. How will us college students ever remove the social awkwardness of life without the help our friends Miller, Bud, and Evan Williams (Jack Daniel's retarded cousin)? This means I went from paying $28.80 in taxes for my beloved Captain Morgan (90 cents times 32 weeks of school-notice I may have a drinking problem) to a staggering total of $54.72. Keystone and other discount beers are not worth three extra cents. What happened to no taxation without representation? Fuck you King George the Third...where is Mel Gibson at? This is a sad day for America. But there is hope out there. Rocky Wirtz, owner of the Blackhawks and liquor distribution lines, is suing the state under the idea that they are discriminating against a small group of businesses. On behalf of college students everywhere, I wish you good luck Mr. Wirtz. If you can make the Blackhawks watchable again, then you can do anything.

My second battle is against cell phones. I am for people having cool phones that text, send pictures, jerk you off, dispense ketchup, and have applications for fart noises, but please get off them. I have noticed more and more people are constantly on their phones while out at bars, at the movies, and even during simple conversation. It is rude and only making our generation look worse. Our communication skills are becoming a running joke. There is no reason to text someone across the room, just get up and tell them. Jaco, our guest blogger, is making an effort to stop texting "dick" and "tits" when he goes out. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Way to go and good luck little buddy.


Thoughts:

• First cold of the year, and it is still summer.
• Tip of the cap to chefs Pascal and Jaco.
• Wag of the finger to the White Sox...season is over.
• Why can't senior level classes have syllabus week too? Why must you go the full time?
• U of I upper management survives another day.
• Message to Roland Realty: You have ruined cable and air conditioning for my entire life. You make Comcast look good and they are the devil. Thanks.
  

Youtube song: Pearl Jam's "The Fixer"

Likes and Gripes in Campus town

Greetings all you Feld enthusiasts, this is Jaco's world and you're all just living in it. But don't worry all you baby birds, I'm here to feed you. Just like keystone, I always go down smooth. This edition of "Jaco's Thought's" will be similar to my last post about do and do not remembers about a certain drunken evening, but this time I'm hitting you with my likes and gripes about life back in Champaign. It feels good to be back, but there are certain things you all should know...I'll start with the likes...

LIKES

Drinking in Excess: If college were a job we would all be fired by now for showing up to work every morning hungover and making an ass out of ourselves in front of our co-workers the night before. I'd probably be the CEO of that company. It's incredible this lifestyle that we lead. Hey it's Monday, let's get fucked up. Hey it's Tuesday, let's get fucked up. Hey it's 9:30 you want to grab some breakfast? Nah let's get fucked up. It truly is the best part about living in this moment, cause once its over it's no longer socially acceptable to do these things day in and day out for some reason, I'm not sure why. Drinks are so cheap too. I wake up in the morning with all these single dollar bills in my wallet, I feel like I robbed a strip club. So I say when you drink tonight raise your whiskey coke high in the air and cheers for everything that is good.

Dime Pieces: For those of you who don't know, a "dime piece" is a term sometimes used to describe a very attractive girl. Well I can attest that right now this campus is littered with thousands upon thousands of dollars in change. The weather is phenomenal and these girls are just everywhere. I walk to and from class everyday with a raging boner. Their milkshake has most definitely brought me to the yard, and they were right, it is better than yours. It's like living in a dreamland. Even clouds all look like boobies to me (side note, boobies is a really fun word to say aloud). While I will be sad when it becomes November and the weather turns cold and all these hot girls get back on their spaceship and leave for the winter, I'm waking up every day now with a smile...and morning wood.

Josh Feld's Speech Impediment: Matt "meathead" Kornblatt must have been really working out his ear muscles this summer, because after several years of getting to know Josh Feld, he has picked up on that Feld's vernacular isn't quite everything that it appears to be. He may seem fine when he writes here on this blog, but in real life he can neither pronounce the words "athlete" or "three". He changes the "th's" to "f's". It's like watching a 3 year old trying to put sentences together for the first time when he tries to correct the speech impediment himself, hilarious and adorable. Call him out on it next time you see him.

Quoting Step Brothers: I have long contested that this is one of the funniest and most quotable movies ever and finally the rest of the world is picking up on its worth. I knew it was a good sign when a few nights ago I said very loudly walking down the street, "Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to," and several strangers within hearing distance would respond to me, "Good Housekeeping!" All you people who know and understand these quotes and apply them to your everyday life, you are fantastic. It warms my icy heart. Oh and by the way, yes, bonita fish are what you would call a trophy fish, so yea, they're pretty big.

Having My Own Room: Underrately great perk about living outside the frat house and inside an apartment for the first time. This is the first time in my college experience that I've had my own room, and it feels phenomenal. I got it just the way I like it and I have so much more room for activities. With my own room, I won't get woken up by Benji snoring,or by his alarm that he never woke up for that I had to turn off, or the fat kid who wasn't in the same room as me but was my suitemate and blasted techno from his alarm at 8 every morning (I feel your pain to this day Butler), I won't walk in on Pascal wacking it cause he forgot to lock the door, I won't get disturbed from slumber too if Kornblatt has a night terror and screams bloody murder while I curl up in the fetal position hoping he doesn't climb up to my bunk and stab me. Feels good. Feels really good.

and now for the gripes...

Late Night Eating: I mentioned in my past blog how I try to eat as healthy as possible when I can, but that mentality goes right out the window when I am blacked out. When I am blacked out I care about eating healthy as much as Lindsay Lohan cares about eating (can I make anorexic jokes, are those in for Fall 09?). Back in campus town these greasy fast food places are everywhere and are open even later. I can't be stopped...well I could be stopped but then I'd have to make a conscious effort to control my alcohol intake and we all know that is not going to happen anytime soon. If you see me stumbling around late at night around the streets of Champaign, ignore the obscenities I shout at you and please kindly direct me back inside my apartment, where there are no fast food restaurants. That way I can wake up in the mornings dumbfounded, wondering how I got here, but still feel secure that I did not eat anything last night that will make me sick all day.

309 E. Green Street: Granted this will be the nicest place I'll probably live in over the next 10 years, but you fuckers lied to us. Or you mislead us. I remember a giant poster touting the giant outdoor pool that we were to have. Could you please point it out to me. I found the really fucking small one but I can't seem to find the big advertised one. Same thing with the exercise center. Is that a fake one and the real workout room is behind it? Real mature Roland Realty, real mature. Always picking on the little guy (and yes I write that knowing full well that I'm not tall and you're chuckling about short jokes about me to yourself as we speak).

The Balcony: We live 17 stories above the ground. That's a long way down. Sometimes people(me) have a drink or two(get retarded) and do stupid things (like possibly falling off a balcony). This is a legitimate fear. If you know me you understand this fear. I do not want to die right now. I'm supposed to die 60 years from now when I have to swerve my flying car to avoid hitting a mother duck and her 6 trailing ducklings but lose control and crash into a popcorn factory. I keep my balcony door locked. You should too.

Gingers: nuff said.

Deutschers Wearing Frat Shirts: Okay I get it. You like your frat and wear your frat shirts everywhere you go. Your frat shirt may look good or have a funny slogan but it does not fucking empower you. I want to punch you in your backwards hat. Wearing that shirt is not cool. You cannot consider me Miles Davis. You're just like everybody else super frat guy, and as it turns out none of us really care. Tone down the attitude and stop sucking your own dick. Thank you to Dana Mason for pointing these people out to me, it has made some great blogging material.

And that's all folks. Hope you had fun. I sure did. Think about my blog when you masturbate later. Till next time, see you later knuckleheads.

Jaco

309 Quaterbacks

Finally settled into the apartment. It is the nicest place I may ever live in. We got wood floors, new kitchen equipment, and a sweet balcony. The building company still has found ways to fuck us. We were given a TV, but half the channels do not work. ESPN has no sound and the picture goes in and out. By the way, I do not hate ESPN, just some of the personalities. There is no wireless internet which was promised. The work out room is for girls...full of cardio machines and weights only up to 50. There is a hot tub...but I am afraid to bathe in the cum flavored water. There are also weird inconsistencies. One bathroom has a curtain and the other a door. Why the fuck would they do that? One room has a different closet door. Finally, there is a sausage problem. My entire floor is male and no females in sight. The building in general seems to be heavily male dominated with few new girls. The 17th floor is named North Halsted until some girls move in here. Strange building.

Favre:
Go die already. You are an annoying old man. Favre has said he did not want to go to training camp or live in a dorm. I think he doesn't want to talk to any teammates either, just beat the Packers and quit. I was ready to accept this when training camp started, but we are 2 weeks in and now you decide to show up. I hope Obama's insurance death panels decide you are too much of a burden on our society and youthenize you like a three legged dog. Speaking of why I have beef with ESPN, I am sure their producers popped wood when they got wind of this story. If there was a Yankee/Sox game they would be shooting HD 8 ropers at us. Peace Sage and Tavaris.

Vick:
I think it is time to let this go. The man went to prison for 2 years and did not hurt a human being. The NFL employs the worst scum on earth featuring numerous weapons charges, DUIs, and women beaters. So the Philadelphia Beagles (get it? funny right?) are not doing something new here. Yet, we do not hear about those guys on ESPN every day. Most couldn't run for a 1000 yards and throw a football a 100 yards though. I think he will play sparingly if at all. McNabb gets hurt every year so the opportunity may arise and Vick will do the wildcat/decoy thing as well. This is worth the risk for the Eagles with their established fan base and good locker room. Maybe Vick will torture Favre like the dogs and become a hero to all of America.

Thoughts:

• Lost 8 straight in basketball...fucking suck
• I want the little leaguers to pee in a cup. A few look too strong.
• Kevin Gregg is my favorite player.
• Child please.
  

Youtube Hit: Cage the Elephant

Senior Year Preview

I have wrestled with the idea of doing this article. It sounds like a cool idea, but there is so much to touch on. So, as of yesterday, this idea was dead. Today, after work, I received a sign from God much like Jesus and Abraham. I got an email from a teacher telling me to get a book, read it, expect a full day of work on day 1, and a homework list. Fuck life. When I say going back to school on Saturday, I mean go out and party, not school. So, fuck that and let's roll with the preview four years in the making. It is going to be bigger than the Olympics, World Cup, or any reunion Rolling Stones tour.

This is dedicated to the first night of school. The first time you threw up. To that weird roommate. To that cool roommate. To that party you wanna remember. To that random hook up. To that hook up you loved but hated the next day. To person you talked to for a while and now ignore. To that girl/guy. To that football game. To that session. To that bar fight. To all those times and more.

1703: Team Michael vs. Team Feldblatt. A battle brewing for many decades, perhaps in a previous life. Divided, this room will grow stronger (suck on that Lincoln). We will branch out and take over the floor with our rude and fun behavior.

The Players:
Michael P aka Handsome Bob- As a youth, he spent too long in front of mirror. Blinded by his stunning good lucks, he hopes to one day fuck himself. On the other side of that, he is unfazed in beer pong due to his supreme confidence. Currently, he wants to join the famous Luftwaffe or Tuskegee Airmen, but does not understand why he is not being accepted.

Michael J aka Bruce Banner- Banner is the man who becomes the Hulk when angry. Michael is a smart man who becomes Barney Gumble and Homer Simpson with 3 beers. Once claimed he could drink 14 shots, and failed. Recently scalped by Eli Roth, Brad Pitt, and Quentin Tarintino. Guest Blogger and potential law student, he struggles to find a cure for that and for a diet of pure Kashi Go Lean. Fighting for a cure. Unfortunately, that balcony spells bad news.

Kornelius aka The Animal- His sobriety makes Jaco look normal. Once a promising football star, now just a slow Jew. After several steroid treatments, he gave up on football to become an advertising executive like Don Draper, but more of a pervert and less hot women. He is the muscles of Team Feldblatt and will back up all of my drunken shit talking. His one weakness is that he cannot find his drinking mug.

Feld aka Smartest Man You Know- A shit talking Jew for a world with too many rappers and not enough MCs. When not ripping shots, he is dragging you down to his level. Few can match his pessimism and bleak outlook on life. He also has been know to prank with the best of him (shit in your closet). Being named Propaganda Chair of Sigma Alpha Mu has taught him the many ways of propaganda reaching from Nazi Germany to the Taliban. Constantly referring to disasters "too soon" and might not have a soul.

The games begin Saturday and end when each team looses a teammate to death by balcony or rape charge.

For the rest of you, there will be large amounts of drinking, blacking out, and other stupid shit. Bitter sweet, but I get to come back one more year.

Thoughts:

• Mad Men Season 3 Sunday
• New Team Name option: The Inglorious Basterds
• I might be the oldest person to attend a rush party next year. Maybe this year, but if I attend next year, I will set the record. Nice.
• Man goes to baseball game is shocked...by taser.
  
  

Lolla Recap

Grant Park today is covered in crushed beer cans, old cigarettes (legal and not), and sweat from hundreds of dirty hippies. Yes, Lollapalooza once again returned to the city as formal send off to summer vacation. I missed the rainy opening on Friday and lackluster lineup on Saturday, choosing to attend the finale on Sunday. Walking over to Grant Park with Matt and Becca Druker, and the largest man in the world, yes, Daniel Dorfman revealed that the weather was going to make the day a long struggle. I think I had sweat through my shirt before arriving at the park. With temperatures in the high 90's, we sought out some air conditioning first since we had missed Cage the Elephant. We walked over to the PlayStation Tent, where Matt was quick to point out that people had paid money to do what they could have done at home for free in better air conditioning. It also smelled like vinegar. The tent was pretty lame but it was right next to the bar and bathrooms. Kudos to the promoters for giving out free water bottles. I choose to hydrate with Bud Lights, and after 5 or 6 I didn't feel any of the effects of the alcohol due to the heat.

The first band we saw was Dan Deacon, an electric funk band with like 10 members. The first song sounded like shit and Deacon said so. They returned and went on to sound like crap. It only took one song to find out I was next to the hippie dancer guy. He throws his arms around and looks stupid. Fucking PFs were everywhere, outnumbering the hot hippie girls. Deacon kept telling people to dance in certain ways, which I found annoying. They formed the a long hippie conga line. Fucking morons.

Afterwards, I took a trip to the bar and wonderful line of port-a-potties. Not exciting normally, but this time it was. A beautiful blonde child of the flower people was in front of me and accidentally ran into me. She apologized and we had idle talk about the heat. She offered an extra shirt to wipe off the sweat she got on me. I declined (want more of her sweat). She then said I should take advantage of being a guy and take my shirt off. I told her I didn't look as good as she (I am very smooth) but did it anyways (not sure if she got what she expected). We went to our separate toilets and never saw each other again, maybe in another life though.

My rock and roll roots are founded in more aggressive bands such as Foo Fighters, Metallica, Nirvana, and Rage Against the Machine, so my life has come full circle when I say that Vampire Weekend and Passion Pit, two more pop like bands, were amazing. VW sounded just like their CD and were great to chill on the lawn and listen to. We caught the last 20 minutes of Passion Pit. They played on a small stage surrounded by trees and it was packed. The crowd was really into the poppish sounding band. I enjoyed what I saw and have now downloaded their songs. Best surprise of the day.


Snoop Dog was next and I had no expectations for him. He was a lot of fun constantly engaging the audience telling us to lite joints and fuck the police. His hour long set was awesome and led by his band. Very high energy and the most crowded set to play the big stage that day. We also enjoyed his rotating set of body guards who were wearing suits in the high heat. Another problem arose, as word spread of heavy rains up north. We got lucky when the rain missed us but we got the comforting cloud cover.

Finally the Killers closed out the weekend. It was the least crowded finale I had seen at the festival compared to last year. Becca established a radius of empty space and almost killed a hippie dancer who ran into her. They performed all of the hits and few other songs. Brandon Flowers, the lead singer, told some boring stories in between and that got a little annoying (partly because I think he is an arrogant ass who once said Sam's Town was the greatest album ever). I enjoyed "Spaceman", "All Things I've Done", and "Mr. Brightside". "When We were Young" was the last song and rocked very hard. I am still singing it today. They had a great light show and some pyro stuff in the background. I am glad I saw them and can cross another band off of my list. Amazing ending to a great day. Hopefully, I will be there all three days next year.

Thoughts:

• Senior Year Preview later. Not enough stamina to finish...that's what she said.
• Jaco was a nice addition. Good job, but critics are rough kid.
• Warm beer after 4 at Lollapalooza...sucks.
• Look out for Them Crooked Vultures, the super group feautring Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters), Jonh Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin), and John Homme (Queens of the Stone Age). They appeared to the world last night after Lolla at the Metro in Chicago. Album is rumored to come out in October.
  

Things I do and things I do not remember from Josh Feld's 22nd birthday

Hello all you Feldoholics out there, Jaco here. I've been invited by Josh Feld to rock your world. Now I know you're scared cause you've never done anything like this before but don't worry, I'll be gentle. I'll go real nice and slow, but by the time I'm done you'll be begging for more. I too, like your host, have a wide variety of perverse thoughts ranging from Jay DeGarmo's jean jacket collection to my favorite porn star names and why.

Today's topic will cover one of my favourite past times, blacking out. For some reason this feat happens to me much more that it happens to other people, I'd say at least once a week, at most eight times a week. Some of my past blackouts have included wrestling matt druker and splitting my head open on the side of a door as well as shouting at dick silverman, "Ricky, your sisters are so ugly, I wouldn't even fuck them". Thankfully I have a very loyal following who helps me recap all these delightful events that happen when I'm not really there. My most recent blackout occurred last friday, July 29, between the hours of 9-10. This day happened to be Josh Feld's birthday, and since he's 22 and his life is over I celebrated like the fun loving 21 year old that he can never be ever again. I'd like to go through the do remembers and do not remembers I have from that night...

Do: The Landmark

This event most likely sealed my fate from the beginning. Josh brilliantly suggested we wet our whistles at our local drinking establishment before we go downtown for the evening. I cheerily agreed and put on my overcoat and top hat to join him for a keystone or two. At this point my memory was clear, my speech wasn't slurred, and at no point did I make a reference to my own penis or anyone else's. 

Stage of drunkness: Classy

Do: The train ride

So the drinking gods gave me a fighting chance. We had to take the train downtown. I didn't have anything to bring on the train and drink. I had a real chance to sober up, go to some AA meetings and apologize to anyone I've wronged in the past. Unfortunately the train ride was only 45 minutes long, so my revival did not last. At this point I was calm, collected, talkative and did not even appear intoxicated.

Stage of drunkness: Mickey Rose

Do: Druker's apartment

This will round out all the Do Remembers for the evening. As it is customary by young people, we drink before we go out and drink. I don't understand it, but I don't ever question it. I am a big proponent of it. It makes more sense that the concept of going to bars, which is essentially, "hey let's all leave here to pay and hang out with each other somewhere else". The lights started to dim at Druker's place. i was told that when making my captain and cokes that it was mainly captain with a splash of coke. A potent blackout concoction. At this point I was smiley, clever, and considered myself to be the best looking person in the room.

Stage of drunkness: Robert Downey Jr.

Do Not: Leaving Druker's

And I'm out. the lights are on but nobody is home. I was told that Mitch Hamer and Mickey Rose suggest we duck out now and get a cab. Blacked out causes me to be easily persuaded, so I happily complied and most likely paid for the cab. At this point I was most likely loud, obnoxious and probably used the words "tits" or "dicks" in sentences where they did not belong.

Stage of drunkness: Adolescent 

Do Not: McFadden's

The bar of choice. Other birthdays were being celebrated this evening so we went here to drink and be merry. I was told here that I was headbutting friends, I was looking like a lost little boy, and I allowed Mitch to tell the birthday girl that I would do her a favor and remove the burden of her virginity (I don't think I actually said this, but kudos to Mitch for knowing how to take advantage of me for his own enjoyment). Massive amounts of money was spent here. At this point I was most likely fun, easy to manipulate, and more people were laughing at me than with me.

Stage of drunkness: Bozo the Clown

Do Not: Making out

When I am blacked out I cannot possibly see how another female would make out with me. What magic words do I use? How in the world did I manage to convince you that this is what we should be doing in the middle of a bar with many jewish girls who tell everybody everything? Hope you had fun.

Stage of drunkness: Casanova

Do Not: Getting rejected from the next bar

So we left McFadden's for some reason I still do not know. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling awesome, I'm feeling like I should stumble right in front of the bouncer at the next bar. For some reason he takes this act as enough proof that I am too drunk to enter the bar. I do not understand this reason. In my mind I am 21 years old, therefore I should be allowed in the bar. I proceeded to repeatedly wave my ID in the bouncer's face as proof of this theory. He still would not let me in. Fuck. At this point I was most likely hungry, dumbfounded, and still pretty awesome.

Stage of drunkess: puppy

Do Not: McDonald's

I was really disappointed when I heard Mickey and Mitch took me here. I love fast food. I love McDonalds. But I have obnoxious healthy eating habits and rarely eat fast food. Black out Michael forgets these notions and orders what appears to be several large fries judging by the video captured by Mickey. If I'm going to eat fast food I want to remember it, I want to enjoy it, so if I can't remember than it was a total waste. Another strange phenomenon occurred here where I temporarily, maybe for just a moment, was pulled out of my blackout spiral and back to reality. It lasted for most likely a minute, for the duration of the escalator ride at the Rock and Roll Mcdonald's. The one good thing that came out of this trip was that I invented a holiday. Its called "Fuck Dick Wednesday". Hallmark should be coming out with holiday cards this fall.

Stage of drunkness: I shouldn't be alive

Do Not: The cab home, calling Ben Klassman, and deciding to sleep at Mitch Hamer's house.

Well back to me being easily manipulated, Mickey sucks and wanted to take a cab home. So I agreed. I told Mickey and Mitch that the cab smelled like dick. I like the word dick when I'm blacked out. I also like calling Ben Klassman. I've done this for two consecutive blackouts. I don't know what I say to Ben. I don't know why. I hope you enjoy it, I hope you know it comes from the heart. I also think a decision was made for me to sleep at Mitch's. I awoke at 7:30 in a drunken haze and had plenty of time to play detective and put together the clues that comprised my night. I spent over $100. Good times.

Stage of drunkness: Done

If anyone has anything to add, please feel free to contribute. My life is a running joke. But as long as I have kashi golean, I'm a happy camper. My name is Jaco, and that's all I have to say. Peace.