I Always Die Hard

A famous governor once declared, "I'm back." Well, don't believe the internet rumors that I died (I'm like Tupac), hanging out at Guantanamo Bay, or starving in a van in Alaska like that dumb ass from Into the Wild. Feels good to write something that doesn't suck as much cock as Jacobson. His text messaging blog hit a soft spot where my heart should be. Can't stand those people. In hell, a giant Blackberry will whip me while I perform manual labor to a constant playing of Black Eye Peas, who still are alive since I last blogged.

Druken Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives

Based off of the hit TV show, I bring you the Champaign, IL version. First stop has to be Kams to get drunk. This bar has a unique facade of orange and blue for the Illini and the yellow of urine for the drunks. The bartenders open the bar early and defecate on the floors (solid and liquid). They drop pants and go to town on every square inch with extreme pride and respect for the tradition. After covering the floor in a mixture of feces and piss, they decide to drop a box of beer bottles. This not only adds to the stickiness of the floor, but a new smell that could only be described as orgasmic. You never really can but put your thumb on it either, adding to the fun. Even the patrons get into the fun as no one really cares to use the garbage cans, opting to also use the floor. At the end of the day, this dive is a mixture of garbage and drunk people that can't be replicated without the help of underage kids who don't care about anything or anyone.

Next, you have to fill your stomach with some food, so how about Fat Sandwich? Back in 2005, the government and public demanded foods be made with less trans fats, creating a massive over stock of trans fat from producers. A young entrepreneur bought all of the fat and put it on a sandwich and then into a deep fryer. And then put fries on top of that. You want drunk goggles when you enter. If you saw what type of people work and eat their sober, you would probably think twice about your health and weight. Only in America would cheese steak with chicken fingers sound incomplete without fries, mayo, and mozzarella sticks. Maybe the best part is that they allow you to use the bathroom. God bless this mess.

Finally, no trip would be complete without Niro's Gyros. This parasite of a business leeches off the many drunken patrons of Station with great success. Something about the combo gyro meat on top of a burger sounds irresistible. Pretty much everything else is hot garbage or "hogarb". Aside from the locked bathrooms (which is key for a drunk food establishment) and the poor customer service, I think this restaurant (and I use that term loosely) is fine.

Veterans Day

I cannot remember a Veterans Day with so much attention paid to it. I think this is a very important day that needs more respect (no day off at U of I??). Here at Feld's Thoughts we thank those who sacrifice for our basic freedoms. It was nice to see the South Carolina Gamecocks wear jerseys with the core values of the army on them instead of the names of the players. So I got to thinking, why doesn't Feld's Thoughts do something? Why not bring attention benefits of freedom besides the right to put french fries on a sandwich? That why I present the Fictional American Hero of the Week:

Hans Moleman

This great Simpson's character is consistently the most funny character on the show. His wrinkly skin and low intensity demeanor balances out the rest of the cast of the show. He takes the punishment with pure joy for the rest of us. Only he would take a football to the groin so that we can laugh. Terrorists hate laughter, so Hans is a fictional hero bringing joy to Americans everyday. Here's to you Moleman.



That's it for my return entry (wearing that 45 instead of 23). Get ready for FEAST WEEK next week, a whole week of new content. Jaco hopefully will be removed so the site will suck less. Don't call this a comeback.