Improving Latin Relations

I touched on my admiration for the Latin worker a little the other day, and I want to expand on it. At my last job at Scumset (or Sunset depending on one's point of view), I worked with many Latinos, ranging from the fluent English speakers to those who would only point at things and hope you understand. Most were fine upstanding individuals (one smelled awful and the guys use to say you could fuck her but would never smell the same again...all in Spanish and loosely translated to me). The company hired a lot of Spanish speakers, yet they told them to never speak it in front of the customers (the bitchy people with Gucci and Prada bags). It felt like a British colony trying to smash the old culture before leaving it raped of everything in value, or not. The workers, much like Gandhi, did it anyway (some were sent to labor camps in Siberia for disobedience). Another thing that I found odd was all the new SUVs. They would buy brand new Chevy trucks (no, this is not a stereotype, they did own the cars) and bitch about gas and working two jobs. Apparently, simple economics did not translate well into Spanish. The crew made fun of the student staff and called us Gringos. Maybe because we worked less hours, did less work, or took tons of days off or maybe because they loved us.

Fast forward to now. New job doesn't mandate any English, so Spanish is a-ok. The pizza staff originally had one Latino guy on staff. He said nothing for like 2 weeks. Honestly, he acted as though he was a mute. Then another Latino guy joined the pizza team. Now, they talk all day long in Spanish, and in English. The enjoy making fun of me for being a shitty clean up artist (not fair, I don't rip on them when I ask about building a Cash Flow Statement). The two of them call people chaquetas or jackets or what they think are jerk offs. One kid does not know that they are making fun of his masturbation habits and accepts this comment. I am also a chaqueta (apparently my relationship problems are easily translatable) but asked what it was and now call them ass holes. It is a playful banter. I don't blame them for making fun of us because we make similar wages even though they struggle with a language problem and work ten times (might be higher) more efficiently.

More Death:
Billy Mays here....too soon? Billy Mays, legendary pitchman, died this week capping off a week of death and destruction. The man was on Conan's show literally like 3 days ago. Possible suspects are the Shamwow guy or the hooker he beat up.

Best question: Michael Jackson's death equalled huge record sales and itunes sales, but will the crap that Mays pitched sell better as of today? I do need some Oxy-Clean for my black suit because it is funeral week. Sorry, I am ass.

Review:
I watched a new HBO show call Hung. It is their answer to Showtime's Weeds. The show takes place in Detroit and shows us a father played by Thomas Jane (that guy who was the Punisher and if you don't know what movie I referring to then you are lucky) who needs to be a prostitute to support his family. Detroit is the perfect host to the show since it is the home of the American failure of the last couple of years. The show has a cool concept like Weeds so I will watch it this summer over other art forms such as reading.

YouTube Song of Week: Radiohead's Black Star off of the great album The Bends. In fact, buy the fucking album. It is great.

Leaving the Building

Michael Jackson died this week (see photo). That's him...from the Simpsons. Unfortunately, I am not old enough to remember his meteoric rise to fame during the 1980s when he was making hits such as Thriller. He was a great artist but also a crazy loon. It is tough not to think of him as a pedophile. Every late night comic owes their career to Jackson, Clinton, and OJ. His music will live on forever (that's good) and children are free to walk the streets (only have to watch out for priests now).

We also lost Farrah Fawcet on the same day. She was one of the all time hotties and lost a battle with cancer (not eye cancer from seeing those two Charlie Angels movies). She donated a lot of money to research and for that she got pushed off the front page of every newspaper in America and off of CNN. Thanks America.

Also, the Senator of South Carolina owes Jackson a thank you because his adultery is now off of the news as well.

Pizza:
-Pizza takes time to cook, around 30 minutes. Asking "how much longer" will not speed it up. Northbrook people need to learn patience.

-Someone asked to sample pizza. That person is an idiot. Pizza is generally the same everywhere. Jackass.

-I am amazed with the latino work ethic. They work all day for little money and have tons of energy. Amazing. I do not enjoy being made fun of in Spanish though.

NBA Draft Recap:
-Bulls did as well as they could. Need to make a trade.
-TWolves are run by Northbrook retards. They make me laugh.
-The Suns should kills Steve Nash. Spare him the trouble of playing the year.

Lack of Talent

For those who check the blog frequently, you have noticed a lack of new material. I have two explanations for this: 1. I live a boring life (check) 2. I lack talent. I am watching South Park and that creative episode about guinea pigs and Peruvian flute bands and wondering where that comes from. I'm not sure I have that or seen anything to inspire that kind of stuff. I had a sweet blog up yesterday, but Jaco cried about a picture of him. He claimed he wouldn't get a job because of how ridiculous he looked (if only companies interviewed you over beer pong). If you wanna see it, email me. Apparently, he thinks CEOs read my blog.

Also, I found my sunglasses (and solved the economic crisis). They were under the seat that I had already searched but missed because I am a spaz. Now, I can keep my beard because they go so well together. The itching has subsided so it is looking more and more like it is going to stay put.

NBA Draft:
I love drafts (except ones to fight in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, or North Korea). The NBA Draft is way worse then the NFL draft because more than half of the players will become useless journeymen and suck the life out of your favorite team. The good part about it is the trades. NBA teams love to make a splash for veterans on draft day. The NFL draft provides more depth.

This NBA Draft will rival the 2000 draft for "Most Over Hyped Shit". The 2000 edition featured only three all stars including Kenyon Martin (recently reemerged with Denver after disappearing), Jamaal Magloire (Wikipedia might be wrong...I hope so), and Michael Redd (a rare second round find). Blake Griffin is the number one pick even though there is no footage of him hitting a jumper or anything besides a dunk. I think he will be ok...oh wait not for the Clippers. He is fucked. Everyone else is suspect. Thabeet's scoring might be a while, Harden is ok (maybe next Brandon Roy), and Ricky Rubio is a great passer without the shot. Guys like Brandon Jennings and Tyreke Evans are projects (one is skinny and the other has no position). I don't see this group producing too many all stars.

If the Bulls can't get Chris Bosh (they won't but we all can hope) then I assume they will take a guard and wave good bye to the swinging gate named Ben Gordon. Maybe Terrance Williams or James Johnson will take his place on the team. Keep reading about Kirk Hinrich going to Portland, so assume some truth to that rumor. If a point guard falls to the Bulls, I will believe it more.

I hope to write again after the draft and share my opinions on the Bulls. Hopefully, I will also get around to seeing the latest Michael Bay explosion orgasm fest called Transformers (aka Megan Fox for 2 hours) and write some sort of review (I haven't seen it but I have because it looks the same as the last one...lots of running, skanky outfits, and robots).

Ending the Speculation

-Many people look at me and ask what PEDs (performance enhancing drugs) I am on due to my physique and energy. I always say none (except Extenze...what can I say? It got bigger) and now have the proof. The constant bending down and standing on my feet have put a great pain in my back and knee (makes a nice grinding noise). Kind of sucks for 7 to 8 hour shifts. Between that and my ankle, my body feels like shit from time to time. So no, I don't take roids...but Sosa did. I really got into baseball during the Home Run Chase of 1998, and I can't blame the players when Selig and the owners did nothing to stop it. They knew about it and let it happen to save the game. These players have been thrown under the bus by the league now that the game is doing well. Barry Bonds is the home run king and always will be until someone breaks his record. We will never know the full list of people who cheated, so we must live with the stats from the era.

-Those who thought Joe Buck needed a TV show click here and watch Artie Lange from The Howard Stern Show destroy his career. It is hilarious and even if you hate sports, you will enjoy this.

-As the economy continues to struggle, it was nice to see President Obama smash that fly out of the air. Good to see all those bailout checks he has been writing lately have not hurt his reflexes. If only he could smash the executives at AIG (flies should lobby more).

-Finally, speculation is that driving drunk and having concealed hand guns are illegal. Well not if you play in the NFL. Plaxico and Donte Stallworth have the best lawyers in the entire world.

Sorry, this blog was so weak. I have been working all week and have done little else (besides trying to think of ways to entertain my readers). My physical pains have been really annoying but they seem to come and go (I think they are a product my brain trying to tell me to be lazy or possibly kill me).

We All Make Mistakes

So, I searched all day for a link to the video of Milton Bradley posing and throwing a ball into the stands when there was only two outs thus allowing a run to score unnecessarily. He must have great people working for him because I couldn't find that or the video of him blowing out his knee while arguing with an umpire (if you find it let me know...or don't, I can't make you or anything but it would be nice). My apologies. What Bradley did was hilarious, but I have seen it a few times before (never after posing to the crowd). I think he was being mocked for an error he had made earlier. Bradley is very talented, but there are some reasons why he has been on a number of different teams. He is a very injury prone player with a bad temper. He looked for a broadcaster after a game last year after he criticized Bradley. It is amazing he has yet to kill a drunken bleacher bum (answer to why the fences are so high). Why would a legit team sign this guy? He had one good year for some money like every other mercenary athlete. Maybe Ozzie will knock some sense into him during a brawl next week.

-I was wrong about the NHL (I make lots of mistakes). Congrats to Pittsburgh and welcome back to relevancy (fuck off Carneigie Mellon). Thanks to the Penguins and Steelers, thousands of school children will learn where the city lies on a map only to forget it years later. Unfortunately, the Pirates are now the only remaining entertainment for the citizens of the city (when does football start again?) so Pittsburgh can rot with that excuse for a MLB franchise for the rest of the summer. Fuck Detroit.

-Today I went to work out (hold for applause) and I see this really tall guy jumping and doing pull ups on the ceiling rafters. This is a PF (if lost on PF, it means porn freak and that you haven't been keeping up with your assigned reading) move (thank God he wasn't using a Blackberry while doing it or I would have murdered him). Is there a height limit on the regular pull up bar? The man must have been showing off the 3 ladies with a combined age over 300 (nice wrinkly tits, they should never be covered up...really). Such a PF.

-Started researching some Lollapalooza bands and found a few I like including Of Montreal, Cage the Elephant, and Vampire Weekend. Really like the last two. Try them out on youtube if interested (or buy the music on itunes if you think you are recession proof).

Insert Title

Pizza:
The life of a pizza maker is hectic and not overly glamorous (think Studio 54 without the hot chicks and flour instead of cocaine, but about the same amount). Long hours and constant movement have left me pretty exhausted. I have seen great improvement in my skills and next week should be better. Opening up Tuesday and working all week, so all night time pizzas will have a little Feld in them (not saying which part or how much).

Movies:
Watched The International last night. The movie stars Clive Owen as an Interpol Agent and Naomi Watts as a New York DA. The plot revolves around a bank that takes organized crime money and then for some complicated reason sells weapons with it. Apparently, every bank does this now that mortgages have busted (what if Chase gave you a rifle for using your debit card...then next time you could just rob the grocery store or stuff it full of pennies and have exact change). You would think it would be easy to hate a bank (or an insurance company or a car manufacturer) in today's economy, but I didn't really care. The film's plot is overly complicated. The one action scene in the Guggenheim is solid, but the film is really slow. A lot of talk and little action (think Tom Clancy movies with more English accents). The film ends with President Obama killing Clive Owen and saying "There's your Bailout!"...well not really but he wouldn't let a bank go down so the plot is unrealistic. Overall, do not watch this expecting to see James Bond (the film is kinda like Quantum of Solace's stupid brother).

Sports:
-Go Pittsburgh...but I think Detroit is winning. They are too good. Text me the score because I will be at work til 11.

-Way to go Derrick Rose...things keep getting worse. I don't blame a 20 year old for taking a picture that is inappropriate (check out my facebook), but life has been coming after Rose with a vengeance this week. I hope he can block all of the negative news out of his head and focus on getting better (please, don't ride a motorcycle like the last star point guard).

-The NBA Finals are on right now as I type this...and I could care less. I like basketball, but the NBA is so slow.

Overall, I couldn't come up with a title. Suggest one. That is all.

A Bunch of Assholes

Three men have thrown their names into the ring for the 2009 Biggest Dueche Bag Awards….let’s take a look:

1. Tim Floyd, former NBA and college basketball coach

Coach Floyd had a lot of success as the head coach of Iowa State where he recruited future NBA players such as Marcus Fizer, Jamal Tinsley, Kirk Hinrich, and Nick Collison (the last two left for Kansas after Floyd left, good moves) and Paul Shirley. Most people remember Floyd as the only person dumb enough to accept the Bulls head coaching job on July 23, 1998 (turned down by Eddie/Whoppi Goldberg, Gordon Bombay, and Gene Hackman). This was after Jerry Krause purged the roster of Jordan, Pippen, and everyone else who had any talent (leaving stars such as Corey Benjamin and Keith Booth, no relation to John Wilkes Booth). You can’t blame him for the record of 49-190 because Randy Brown was his starting point guard, but he should have know better than to take the job. After quitting in 2001 and coaching a little in New Orleans, he returned to college and took the job at USC. He coached them to three NCAA Tournaments while staying under the salary cap of $50 million dollars...wait, I meant to write he paid thousands of dollars to get players to play for a school that doesn’t have any basketball tradition or great facilities. Yesterday, amid Federal and NCAA investigations, he quit because he couldn’t afford to buy off the investigators (he did apply for some bailout money).

2. Jeremy Mayfield

I don’t watch or care about NASCAR, but this story is interesting. Mayfield was suspended months back for a positive drug test, and yesterday it was revealed that he tested positive for meth. Driving 200 mph (322 kph for our Euro readers…number one blog in Kazakhstan) isn’t that interesting sober, so I see no problem with this. Sure, you could kill white trash in a crash, but the colors you see when you are high on meth are pretty sweet. This man is an idiot and should be banned to his trailer park home for the rest of his life (no visits from his cousins).

3. Jimmy Fallon

My friend Gupta can only be described as stubborn. Any opinion different from his draws a large argument and he will call you stupid. He said such to me when I said Jimmy Fallon sucks. I will not accept that and confess to being an anti-Fallonite (the South will rise again!). I planned to watch a weeks worth of shows to see if I was missing anything, and after 2 shows, I can’t do it anymore (I want to drive into a trash compactor or randomly self-combust into flames). His delivery and interview skills are terrible. His sketches, including a Hills based one in his office, are not funny. He had a game where Kelly Ripa licked a tuba for $10 (I’d pay her to lick something else…). If someone can say something positive about him, I’d like to hear it. Watch The Daily Show or Colbert Report for entertainment and real interesting programming.

Youtube Music Hit of the Week: Matt and Kim – Daylight.

Quote of the Week:

"I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody, so that's it, I'm just going to come and play the game." – Manny Ramirez