Rounders and Free Agency

In the movie Rounders, Edward Norton and Matt Damon play life long friends who are gifted poker players and hustlers. Damon plays a law student recovering after a massive loss to mysterious Oreo twisting Teddy KGB, played by John Malkovich. Norton plays Worm, a recently released prisoner, who immediately goes back to poker houses trying to cheat and using Damon's good name as credit. After running up a bill on Damon's name, Damon's character sits down for one last show down with Teddy. Only when Damon figures out Teddy's tell, he starts to win and saves his life. This situation mirrors the Bulls this week.

Mike McDermott (Matt Damon) is Gar Forman. Gar is a good guy who inherited a situation from his friend Worm, who is John Paxson. Paxson created this idea of joining the Knicks for big time free agents last year by trading for Brad Miller and John Salmons, which freed up cap space. Paxson acts out like Norton's worm by fighting with Vinny Del Negro, the coach he hired to fire for Lebron (why else would he hire a guy for nothing with no experience for two years? Vinny was fired the day he was hired.) Paxson, like Norton, is now in the shadows leaving his friend to salvage the situation. If Gar fails, he is dead. The Chicago mob will kill him. He must figure out if Teddy, played by Lebron James/World Wide Wes, if bluffing. In recent days, World Wide Wes (best sports name ever) told Yahoo! Sports that Lebron is going to the Bulls with Bosh. Jalen Rose tweeted that Lebron was leaving (1. Is Twitter a credible source now for research papers like Wikipedia? 2. Would you trust someone who wore that on the biggest day of their life?). Today, the New York Times reported the same thing from a NBA executive from a Lebron suitor. The executive claims Lebron will sit with all the teams and thank them for making an effort.

Gar has a lot at stake. If he reads the situation correctly, he can assemble a team that is NBA 2K worthy. History tells us that all champions have two Hall of Famers, except the Pistons of 2003-2004 (the worst championship team ever). Lebron and Bosh could be the next Kobe and Gasol (I said "could be"). History also tells us the Bulls are not very good with big moves and free agency. They tried this in 2000 with Tracy McGrady and ended up with Eddie Robinson (right) and Ron Mercer along with the worst record in the NBA. Side note, the Google search of Eddie Robinson just got me high, wow man (I'm so hungry, I could eat myself out of the NBA). They tried to trade for Kobe and couldn't get that done. Returning to the present, Wade is staying in Miami, and that I am 100% sure of. If Lebron stays with the Cavs, then Bosh will join him on South Beach and Gar will be scrambling. If he fails with the Lebron/Bosh signings, then he will resort to these options:

Joe Johnson: The oldest of the free agents at 29. His scoring dipped in the playoffs from 21 ppg to 12.8 in the second round against Orlando. Not exactly a "clutch" player since every highlight this year was of Jamal Crawford, a Bulls cast off, taking the last second shots. Also, he enjoys the iso offense, so not a big team guy.

Carlos Boozer: A gifted traditional post player. Great pick and roll guy in Utah. Health is not his strong suit. Out of six seasons in Utah, he only made it over 70 games played twice and one was in a contract year. Some will say that means nothing, but this is the same guy who at the last second backed out of a deal to stay with the Lebrons to bolt to the Jazz for more money, so his loyalty is about as good as his health (not saying I wouldn't have done the same, but he is shaddy).

Amar'e Stoudemire: After claiming he owns Pau and Lamar, he got beat so bad his team had to play zone the entire series. This Youtube video will test Tom Thibodeau's defensive teaching skills.





Rudy Gay: Rick Majerus summarizes it well (check out Lavin laughing). He is a good player who could help a team, just not the Bulls. I like him for the Clippers because they just need dunks, not wins. He has the potential to be the next Andre Iguodala aka Franchise Murderer.



Gar needs to figure out if Lebron is creating the news for fun or because he is serious. The franchise is on the table and we are all in (insert more poker cliches here). Up until today, I thought Lebron was staying in Cleveland, but now there seems to be so much momentum behind Chicago that I can't ignore it. We could end up winning the pot (I did it!!!) and star in The Dynasty Returns: Lebron Strikes Back and Return of the Jordans. Or we sign these other guys and finish in the second half of the conference getting our asses handed to us year after year. One day, Gar would recover and rejoin the table to play this very same game with Derrick Rose...if he makes it that long. May God be with us on July 1st and thank any Wizards fans you know.

World Cup:

The World Cup is a great break from boring ass baseball, but I hate how ESPN keeps trying to say how the win to get us into the knock out stage is going to change USA soccer. Soccer will never be big in America. Period. First, any sport that has this said every four years clearly has not made that jump and there is no evidence it will. How many times does it take to make that jump? The sport that has made that jump is MMA because Americans are sick perverts looking for death on pay-per-view. MMA is the sport that caught the mainstream by combining the snobbish pay-per-view/closet case wrestling fans and the red neck Americans. Second, the NBA, NFL, and MLB get the top athletes in our country. City kids are not buying soccer balls. MLB can't even get inner city kids to play baseball so they started the RBI program. Suburban kids all play soccer as children, yet most gravitate towards other sports with age. ESPN, have you noticed Americans suck at tennis lately? Maybe it is because our best athletes don't play tennis professionally. Drew Brees and Gordon Hayword were both excellent tennis players who chose other sports. The money and fame are all state side with the NBA and so forth. Europeans love soccer because they can be famous at home. South Americans and Africans get to leave their poverty stricken countries for the bright lights of the Western World. U.S. athletes are not going to switch over to soccer. Bringing over washed up stars like David Beckham is not going to make people care except horny women. ESPN, go apologize to Brett Favre for ignoring him during the month of June and stop pushing soccer down our youth's throats. I want my kids to be rich and play for the Lakers, not the Columbus Crew.

It has been a long time...

I haven't posted in almost 6 months. Jesus. I guess I was waiting for the Blackhawks to win the cup first. So, now that has happened, I can end the great embargo, shave my playoff stubble, cut my Kaner mullet, and return to normal. Chicago sports is once again on top for the moment until tomorrow when baseball and the great free agency flop of the Bulls dominates the stage. With both teams in the cellar and dividing the city and the rest of us infected with Lebron Fever, it is nice to have something good happen in reality.

For me, this seems like the first championship. I didn't grow up caring about baseball or even football. For me, it was the Bulls and the Hawks. Everyone grew up idolizing Jordan, Pippen, and the rest of the Bulls as they dominated the 1990's. But, I was so young. I didn't understand what it meant to play 82 games and battle the salary cap in order to be a champion. Those felt given, not earned. As a child, I'd listen to my alarm clock radio for the Hawks home games. I idolized the Hawks greats like Roenick, Chelios, Belfour, and Amonte. I loved fighting with them in NHL 94, the greatest video game ever created. I loved the sport and was too young to understand why the Hawks didn't show home games on TV or why they traded the players I loved so much one by one. I didn't understand why the owners locked out the players for an entire season. When it ended, I didn't care.

The lockout ended in 2005. I realized the Hawks were a shit product with shitty owners
hip. Old Man Wirtz ruled over the team like Golem over the ring. Cheaply, they continued to sign bad players, draft bad players, and not show games. The old fans didn't return and many new ones were dead on arrival like aborted fetuses. I was one of the many who called for the Old Man to cede control for the benefit of the team. God answered and ironically, the team improved. Toews and Kane were on the way. I had gone to a game for $7 dollars because I was a student and walked to the front row, something that wouldn't happen this season. Sophomore year, Mariner Tom and I predicted the team would be a cup contended very quickly in the next 5 years. They arrived ahead of schedule finishing a point out that season, Western Conference finalists the next, and Stanley Cup Champs tonight.

The post game coverage was excellent. I watch the big, loud ex-Blackhawk Jeremy Roenick cry. Dan Patrick asks why. You see it on Roenick's face. He never won any cup and lost in the finals with the Hawks to a great veteran Pittsburgh team. That was supposed to be him, not Toews. He was supposed to end the curse, but instead got into a nasty divorce that sent him to the Phoenix Coyotes. For me, this one was special. I understand what professional sports are now. I'm two teams away from dying a happy sports fan. Still waiting on the Illini basketball team and the Bears. I understand today that neither is a given, and that the players might not care as much as I did when I was 10.

Finally, I welcome the new Hawk fans to band wagon. I am not one of the old guard, but I remember my clock radio. Together, lets enjoy the moment because as Roenick found out, it is not a guarantee that one will see or raise Lord Stanley's cup again and unfortunately, tomorrow is the start of another shitty baseball summer.

Big Ten Welcome Guide

As of today, Nebraska is making the move to the Big Ten conference. This is the beginning of potentially a few moves including Missouri, Norte Dame, Pitt, and Rutgers. With so many newcomers potentially coming over, I thought, as a recent Big Ten graduate, I'd create a guide for an easy transition.

Academics - The Big Ten has a strong tradition of academics. Clearly, if you got an invite or are being considered, then you must have good academics. Only about half the league resides in the category "Safety School" aka Retard Academy. Also, we have been recognized several times by publications such as the Princeton Review. They rank us highly for partying and Greek life. Playboy also recognized two Big Ten school in their top ten. Not bad for a snowy climate.

Athletics- The conference has a great tradition on the grid iron. We have in the past decade gotten automatic bids to get our ass kicked in bowls. Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler created a legacy of hard hitting and pound it out on the ground football. They were replaced with slow, pussy spread offenses like that of Rich Rod and the Zooker. Kids today grow up and move south. On the hardwood, we feature some of the best guards in the game. Unfortunately, the game tends to be dominated by big men of the ACC and Big East. Our legendary coaches choked...people and games. Nebraska adds to our stellar basement of teams that includes Penn State, Iowa, and Northwestern.

Health- Big Ten campuses are known for the beautiful people. Illinois opened up the multi-million dollar ARC to keep the co-eds in shape. Unfortunately, this is the Midwest, home to Milwaukee and Chicago aka Fat Ass Metropolis. With a brat and a beer, we tend to sit around and eat greasy food. Hell, we founded McDonald's. To those eastern schools, we are at least nice, just not in good shape you Jersey Shore meat heads.

Welcome to the Big Ten/Eleven/Twelve/25.

Welcome back me, I missed you. Congrats Hawks and Kane, please don't die this weekend and use a condom.

Leno's Thoughts

I will not move my blog to 12:05 am and thus am quitting Feld Thoughts so Jay Leno can take over. Yes, that is the least original joke this week, but as a member of Team Coco, I had to make it. This week NBC looked for a way to improve its dreadful ratings and some how forgot that Heroes is still on TV. I forgot about it too so I understand. The network has yet to figure out to combat CSI, Lost, Modern Family, How I Met Your Mother, and the juggernaut know as IDOL (I only watch Lost). Some will argue that The Office and 30 Rock are great shows, and the half that said 30 Rock are correct. That show exhibits great creativity and humor every week and the average fat American is too stupid or lazy to watch. Tina Fey is really good at her job. Of course, no one really watches it since NBC shows it late and does not really promote it. The Office was once a great show full of awkward humor, but now it tries to the network version of Curb way too often. Michael Scott is stupid...only sometimes. Plus, Jim and Pam are old news. How long will they drag that baby thing out? When the hell is Andy going to hook up with what's her name? Who gives a shit?


So, NBC fired Conan. Or Conan quit. Doesn't matter because Leno forced this and the network didn't give Conan the freedom or press to succeed. He should be on Sunday Night Football doing jokes to get the everyman. He should be one the Today Show laughing it up with the morning crew. NBC set him up to fail. Middle America is not his audience. We, the college kids and stoners, are though. Conan's self degrading attitude, lack of hierarchy respect, and potty humor is what made him so great. So, Conan should go to Fox or Comedy Central and form the Justice League of Funny with Stewart and Colbert. Both networks promote their stars, allow pretty much anything to go on air, and are willing to suffer while a show starts up. Leno should get hit by a bus driven my Letterman and Conan. Letterman, who I don't get, has been great this week by showing how much hate he has for NBC and Leno. Even Kimmel has joined in by mocking Leno's show and going on it to insult him. Kimmel could be the biggest loser if ABC decides to go with Conan, but this is unlikely. His show is actually very funny but is on at a weird time. I love how he goes off script and makes Leno feel so uncomfortable. Great picture on the right...kinda looks like Leno is sucking a dick.

In conclusion, good luck Conanado. You have been so free and funny, but why did it take so long for you to relax? I knew last summer that his humor would translate to the early slot, but I didn't see this coming. And Leno...I saw this too. The monster never dies the first time around.



Offensive Coordinator Candidates for the Bears:

1. Vinny Del Negro: Why not?

2. Rex Grossman: He isn't starting and may be the only one who understands what Jay Cutler is seeing.

3. Conan O'Brien: Needs a job.

4. Jack Bauer

Lazy Break

Fuck you. You saw the link on facebook and said, " I thought he was dead. It's been forever and his blogs suck anyways." Well, I am not dead yet and you are an asshole. Remember when you said you'd wake up early and work out everyday, but after 4 pm you are still in your boxers, still haven't showered, and played Call of Duty 50 times?

Well, you are not alone. I start work in 48 hrs and want to celebrate it with all of you with some words of wisdom.

Went to the Bulls game the other day...they won (sweet but who cares?), but I lost the Dunkin Doughnuts race. That was way more important. It is easily the greatest in-game promotion ever created. My breakdown:



Dashing Doughnut- Your typical fat kid. Fuck you. Stop eating sprinkles and frosting and try and eat some fruit. You are killing our youth and straining our health system. How the hell do you run three laps 41 days a year? I refuse to root for the fat kid because that just reinforces that type of behavior. I think the rich fat cats in the 100 level enjoy him though.

Biggie Bagel- Aka Biggie Smalls but circumcised. No one likes the bagel due to antisemitism. Omar Casspi, the Jewish Israeli NBA player, has a better shot of be picked for the all star than people cheering for the bagel (and yes, there is a Jew in the NBA, pause and reflect). I would not want to depend on a Jewish athlete when free food is on the line. I just don't like the design of the bagel. Did the cartoonist mean to make it look like a puckered asshole in the middle?

Cuppee Coffee- The best. Coffee makes the day better. End of discussion for millions of people. The cup is slender, hot, and more aerodynamic. But, this over confidence has made him lazy like the NBA players performing below the jumbo tron. So much talent wasted.


Lovie Smith Replacements for Next Year-

1. Jules Winnfield- The exact opposite of Lovie, an angry black man. He would take out his pistol and I don't think Cutler would throw another pick...but he'd pass that burger.

2. Vinny Del Negro- Wouldn't be the first job he wasn't qualified for.

3. Lebron James- Has proven to be a great basketball coach of the Cavs and was all state football. So, play for the Bulls except on Sundays where he coaches and plays.

4. Ron Zook- Somehow he keeps getting chances and the Bears love ex-Illini coaches. Do NFL teams recruit? In the NFL, players and rob, murder, and steal and continue to play...even in bowl games.

5. The Na'vi - Maybe they could link up with Cutler and try and understand what he was looking at. And...the games would be boring but cool because of 3-D.

That's it. I will try and blog in between audits. And for the love of God...go shower.

Black Friday Deals

While watching the pathetic Fighting Illini football team lose yet again today, I couldn’t help but notice that the talk of Cincinnati head coach Brian Kelly taking over the Notre Dame job consumed most of the broadcast. Charlie Weis has not been fired yet, but the announcers brought it up during every dead air period (which was between Bearcat plays and any time the Illini offense was on the field). Illinois, in the midst of an admissions scandal, cannot afford to fire Zook due to a recently awarded contract extension. So, here are my thoughts on some cheap, Black Friday coaching specials for the Illini:

1. Coach Eric Taylor

His resume includes winning a Texas state title and going to another championship game. Plus, he brings one hot wife and one hot daughter and one potentially hot infant (hope the show makes it that long). Coach Taylor is man of character since he is a composite of a better actor (Billy Bob) who won a fictional state title while playing a character based on a real man who actually won state titles. So, somewhere in there is a good coach. Zook cannot claim any championships except in Madden. Sure, he may be fictional, but he is damn believable. Maybe we could show the player clips by rolling a TV with a DVD player along the side lines. That would only cost like a couple hundred bucks.





2. Homer Simpson

In one episode, he coached the Springfield Wildcats over a bunch of teams named the Wildcats. He developed Nelson into a great quarterback. Maybe Joe Namath will make a guest appearance. My guess is the buyout from Fox will be too expensive. Maybe this is a pipe dream or just vapor lock.

3. A potato

Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno do very little coaching these days, regulating most of it to their assistant coaches and acting like CEOs. So why not a potato for 99 cent per pound? We would just need good assistant coaches. Potato is as good a recruiter as Zook. Who doesn’t love potato chips or French fries? My guess is that most offensive linemen are the way they are because of a few too many potatoes. Some coaches are big fat guys…another connection to potato. The biggest fear would be him spoiling or being eaten.

Half Way Home

Remember when I promised a whole week of new content? What a surprise...I lied. I have been too lazy to muster enough anger to write something. Something about sitting around in your underwear takes a lot out of your motivation.

Blackhawk Wednesday

Today is the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, which bar owners have turned into the second biggest drinking day behind New Years. Sure, I’ll be out there stumbling with the rest of you, but there is something going on during the pregame in San Jose. Tonight, the Blackhawks play the number one team in the West, the San Jose Sharks. This is an epic battle between two very good and hot teams. Also, tonight is the debut of the best or possibly worse move the Hawks ever made. Tonight is the debut of Marian Hossa. Hossa was signed for 12 years at about 6 million per year, making him a hawk until 65 and then he qualifies for social security. He has been on the losing side of two straight Stanley Cups, but we needed a veteran. Our cap is tied up in a few veterans, so this is our shot for greatness. The outrageous spending was one of the reasons Dave Tallon, the architect of the current team, was canned. Hopefully, Hossa will make that decision look like a stroke of genius.

Marv Albert…Welcome

Marv has one of the greatest voices in the world…and the strangest of sexual appetites (bite marks?). How the mighty have fallen? Apparently, 50 Cent, another falling star, didn’t recognize Marv on Kimmel the other day and his entourage attacked Marv in the hallway. I found this hilarious but unfortunately Marv did throw his toupee (bald villain), force 50 into a sodomy situation, or even bite him. But, then I found this clip where Marv announces Nate Robinson shooting into his own basket for fun. It reminded me of Ricky Davis shooting on his own hoop for a rebound so that he could record a triple double. I’ll let you decide who is dumber.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

I am a noted Curb fan. The season concluded last Sunday with the airing of the Seinfeld Reunion Show. This season was the least clever in a while, mainly banking on the hype of the Seinfeld cast. I felt Larry David got lazy and couldn’t connect the episodes very well. It seemed like every show dealt with restaurants and tipping. The show was still very enjoyable, but not as good as the Producer or the when the Blacks joined. This season has taught me to respect my wood (insert joke here). It still remains my favorite show as it pushes you to think about right and wrong and how our culture is sometimes so backwards.

That’s all for today. Maybe a good drunk story later.

I Always Die Hard

A famous governor once declared, "I'm back." Well, don't believe the internet rumors that I died (I'm like Tupac), hanging out at Guantanamo Bay, or starving in a van in Alaska like that dumb ass from Into the Wild. Feels good to write something that doesn't suck as much cock as Jacobson. His text messaging blog hit a soft spot where my heart should be. Can't stand those people. In hell, a giant Blackberry will whip me while I perform manual labor to a constant playing of Black Eye Peas, who still are alive since I last blogged.

Druken Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives

Based off of the hit TV show, I bring you the Champaign, IL version. First stop has to be Kams to get drunk. This bar has a unique facade of orange and blue for the Illini and the yellow of urine for the drunks. The bartenders open the bar early and defecate on the floors (solid and liquid). They drop pants and go to town on every square inch with extreme pride and respect for the tradition. After covering the floor in a mixture of feces and piss, they decide to drop a box of beer bottles. This not only adds to the stickiness of the floor, but a new smell that could only be described as orgasmic. You never really can but put your thumb on it either, adding to the fun. Even the patrons get into the fun as no one really cares to use the garbage cans, opting to also use the floor. At the end of the day, this dive is a mixture of garbage and drunk people that can't be replicated without the help of underage kids who don't care about anything or anyone.

Next, you have to fill your stomach with some food, so how about Fat Sandwich? Back in 2005, the government and public demanded foods be made with less trans fats, creating a massive over stock of trans fat from producers. A young entrepreneur bought all of the fat and put it on a sandwich and then into a deep fryer. And then put fries on top of that. You want drunk goggles when you enter. If you saw what type of people work and eat their sober, you would probably think twice about your health and weight. Only in America would cheese steak with chicken fingers sound incomplete without fries, mayo, and mozzarella sticks. Maybe the best part is that they allow you to use the bathroom. God bless this mess.

Finally, no trip would be complete without Niro's Gyros. This parasite of a business leeches off the many drunken patrons of Station with great success. Something about the combo gyro meat on top of a burger sounds irresistible. Pretty much everything else is hot garbage or "hogarb". Aside from the locked bathrooms (which is key for a drunk food establishment) and the poor customer service, I think this restaurant (and I use that term loosely) is fine.

Veterans Day

I cannot remember a Veterans Day with so much attention paid to it. I think this is a very important day that needs more respect (no day off at U of I??). Here at Feld's Thoughts we thank those who sacrifice for our basic freedoms. It was nice to see the South Carolina Gamecocks wear jerseys with the core values of the army on them instead of the names of the players. So I got to thinking, why doesn't Feld's Thoughts do something? Why not bring attention benefits of freedom besides the right to put french fries on a sandwich? That why I present the Fictional American Hero of the Week:

Hans Moleman

This great Simpson's character is consistently the most funny character on the show. His wrinkly skin and low intensity demeanor balances out the rest of the cast of the show. He takes the punishment with pure joy for the rest of us. Only he would take a football to the groin so that we can laugh. Terrorists hate laughter, so Hans is a fictional hero bringing joy to Americans everyday. Here's to you Moleman.



That's it for my return entry (wearing that 45 instead of 23). Get ready for FEAST WEEK next week, a whole week of new content. Jaco hopefully will be removed so the site will suck less. Don't call this a comeback.