Would Kanye like my blog?

I think we all enjoyed the VMAs last weekend. Great performances by Jay Z and others was quickly overshadowed by Kanye West and his big mouth. Taylor Swift looked stunned as that idiot went up there and grabbed the microphone. His response on Leno was that he had been working too much. Nice try you idiot. As someone who is prone to say stupid shit, I applaud you for setting a new standard is mouth diarrhea. You are lucky though Kanye. You pissed off a legion of white country fans and stuck up for you master's wife (Beyonce is married to Jay Z and Kanye is nowhere without him). Something tells me that Swift fans and Kanye fans are two independent groups and that in a month we will not give a shit. I'm sure Jon and Kate Divided by 2 will steal some headlines or some other stupid celebrity garbage will make us forget this. But for now, we all can make jokes.

NFL Picks Week 2: (9-7 last week)
Oakland +3 (KC would have won last week, but Harbuagh must have bet on himself to go for that late touchdown to go up 14 last week.)
Titans -7
Pats -4
Bengals +9 (Ochocinco condoms : catched everything your johnson shoots)
Vikings -10
Saints -1.5
Panthers +6 (No way they suck 2 weeks in a row...looking at you Jake)
Skins -10
Cards +3
Seattle +1
Tampa +4.5
Denver -3
Ravens +3
Steelers -3 (Bears didn't show much last week and this matchup doesn't look too good)
Cowboys -3
Colts -3.5

Labor Day

Welcome back from a long and drunken weekend. Hope everyone enjoyed it safely. If you went home, then you are a pussy. You'd think 3 months was enough but I guess not, you pussy. For those who stayed, we found some new ways to have fun. On Saturday, a group of crossed "Join the Mug Club" off our List of Things to do Before We Graduate List (still on there...Quad/Stadium sex, order one last Shacker, and ride the MTD and know where I will end up). The Mug Club is a very nonexclusive club at the Illini Inn. For $6, you get two beers and must chug one. Then you are in and on Tuesdays, you get cheaper beer in a mug. Pretty sweet. The club was started in the 1970s so I am part of a long tradition. The bar is full of toothless townies and a bathroom that smells worse than the one at Kams (digest that comment...Kams smells very bad).

The real adventure came on the walk to Legends afterward. As the walking sign flashed 2 seconds remain (4th and Green), Mariner/Dego Tom and Boruszak (aka Dak) decided to run across while Druker and I sat back. A police car nearly hits them as the car jets through the yellow and quickly flashes the lights. The two were given jay walking warnings by the rookie cop. Meanwhile, we went to join them across the street where the two felons were conversing with the training officer. I offered her $20 to taser and mase Dak. She almost agreed. We continued to tell her that she had caught the biggest heroin dealers in Champaign and that needed to be frisked. Good sport about the whole thing as she agreed it was a stupid ticket.

Football:
With another Illini loss and Labor Day, the smell of the NFL draws near. My fantasy draft was Sunday and I am not overly thrilled with my team. Good potential but I must have forgotten my roots of drafting running backs early. Derrick Ward will kill or make my team.

Hopefully, Pavlov Media will fix our TV in time for tonight's game between the Champion Steelers and Titans. Steelers are -6.5 favorites and I really like them tonight for many reasons (home game, ring night, no Albert Hanyesworth). This week is the worst to bet on/predict games. We have no real idea what these teams are made, but I'll try my best.

NFL Picks Week 1
Miami +4
KC +13
Philly -2.5 (Dog friendly this week)
Denver +4 (Orton = Elway)
Minnesota -4.5 (Die Farve)
Jets +4 (J...E...T....S....jets, jets,jets)
Colts -7
Lion +13.5 (things can't be worse than last year...or can they?)
Cowboys -6
49ers +6
Skins +6.5
Seattle -8 (They are my bounce back/sleeper team...will win the division.)
BEARS +3.5
Bills +11 (I want to take the Pats, but Jauron always wins when on the hot seat.)
San Diego -9 (Raiders get killed every year to open the season.)

Thoughts:

• Beatles Rock Band is awesome. So is Keystone.
• Bronson looks sick.
• Korny decided it was a good idea to dump a bag of ice and water on me while I was sleeping. My bed is still wet and he will regret that decision.
  
• Jay Z album is good, nothing overly special but some good tunes. Got tickets to his Champaign show...good stuff.

Fighting the Good Fight

Welcome back, long time no blog for me recently. Very busy and all. But, I still have time to fight for what is right and I have found two causes that need attention brought to them. Effective today in the state of Lincoln is a brand new liquor tax. The tax is as follows (chicagotribune.com):

LIQUOR TAXES:

--On a six-pack of beer will increase from 10.4 cents to 13 cents.

--On a bottle of wine will go from 15 cents to 28 cents.

--On a fifth of distilled spirits will increase from 90 cents to $1.71.

As a poor college student and future Alcoholics Anonymous member, I am outraged. The angry economy has taken our money and prosperity and now wants to the only thing that makes life worth living, our booze. How will us college students ever remove the social awkwardness of life without the help our friends Miller, Bud, and Evan Williams (Jack Daniel's retarded cousin)? This means I went from paying $28.80 in taxes for my beloved Captain Morgan (90 cents times 32 weeks of school-notice I may have a drinking problem) to a staggering total of $54.72. Keystone and other discount beers are not worth three extra cents. What happened to no taxation without representation? Fuck you King George the Third...where is Mel Gibson at? This is a sad day for America. But there is hope out there. Rocky Wirtz, owner of the Blackhawks and liquor distribution lines, is suing the state under the idea that they are discriminating against a small group of businesses. On behalf of college students everywhere, I wish you good luck Mr. Wirtz. If you can make the Blackhawks watchable again, then you can do anything.

My second battle is against cell phones. I am for people having cool phones that text, send pictures, jerk you off, dispense ketchup, and have applications for fart noises, but please get off them. I have noticed more and more people are constantly on their phones while out at bars, at the movies, and even during simple conversation. It is rude and only making our generation look worse. Our communication skills are becoming a running joke. There is no reason to text someone across the room, just get up and tell them. Jaco, our guest blogger, is making an effort to stop texting "dick" and "tits" when he goes out. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Way to go and good luck little buddy.


Thoughts:

• First cold of the year, and it is still summer.
• Tip of the cap to chefs Pascal and Jaco.
• Wag of the finger to the White Sox...season is over.
• Why can't senior level classes have syllabus week too? Why must you go the full time?
• U of I upper management survives another day.
• Message to Roland Realty: You have ruined cable and air conditioning for my entire life. You make Comcast look good and they are the devil. Thanks.
  

Youtube song: Pearl Jam's "The Fixer"

Likes and Gripes in Campus town

Greetings all you Feld enthusiasts, this is Jaco's world and you're all just living in it. But don't worry all you baby birds, I'm here to feed you. Just like keystone, I always go down smooth. This edition of "Jaco's Thought's" will be similar to my last post about do and do not remembers about a certain drunken evening, but this time I'm hitting you with my likes and gripes about life back in Champaign. It feels good to be back, but there are certain things you all should know...I'll start with the likes...

LIKES

Drinking in Excess: If college were a job we would all be fired by now for showing up to work every morning hungover and making an ass out of ourselves in front of our co-workers the night before. I'd probably be the CEO of that company. It's incredible this lifestyle that we lead. Hey it's Monday, let's get fucked up. Hey it's Tuesday, let's get fucked up. Hey it's 9:30 you want to grab some breakfast? Nah let's get fucked up. It truly is the best part about living in this moment, cause once its over it's no longer socially acceptable to do these things day in and day out for some reason, I'm not sure why. Drinks are so cheap too. I wake up in the morning with all these single dollar bills in my wallet, I feel like I robbed a strip club. So I say when you drink tonight raise your whiskey coke high in the air and cheers for everything that is good.

Dime Pieces: For those of you who don't know, a "dime piece" is a term sometimes used to describe a very attractive girl. Well I can attest that right now this campus is littered with thousands upon thousands of dollars in change. The weather is phenomenal and these girls are just everywhere. I walk to and from class everyday with a raging boner. Their milkshake has most definitely brought me to the yard, and they were right, it is better than yours. It's like living in a dreamland. Even clouds all look like boobies to me (side note, boobies is a really fun word to say aloud). While I will be sad when it becomes November and the weather turns cold and all these hot girls get back on their spaceship and leave for the winter, I'm waking up every day now with a smile...and morning wood.

Josh Feld's Speech Impediment: Matt "meathead" Kornblatt must have been really working out his ear muscles this summer, because after several years of getting to know Josh Feld, he has picked up on that Feld's vernacular isn't quite everything that it appears to be. He may seem fine when he writes here on this blog, but in real life he can neither pronounce the words "athlete" or "three". He changes the "th's" to "f's". It's like watching a 3 year old trying to put sentences together for the first time when he tries to correct the speech impediment himself, hilarious and adorable. Call him out on it next time you see him.

Quoting Step Brothers: I have long contested that this is one of the funniest and most quotable movies ever and finally the rest of the world is picking up on its worth. I knew it was a good sign when a few nights ago I said very loudly walking down the street, "Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to," and several strangers within hearing distance would respond to me, "Good Housekeeping!" All you people who know and understand these quotes and apply them to your everyday life, you are fantastic. It warms my icy heart. Oh and by the way, yes, bonita fish are what you would call a trophy fish, so yea, they're pretty big.

Having My Own Room: Underrately great perk about living outside the frat house and inside an apartment for the first time. This is the first time in my college experience that I've had my own room, and it feels phenomenal. I got it just the way I like it and I have so much more room for activities. With my own room, I won't get woken up by Benji snoring,or by his alarm that he never woke up for that I had to turn off, or the fat kid who wasn't in the same room as me but was my suitemate and blasted techno from his alarm at 8 every morning (I feel your pain to this day Butler), I won't walk in on Pascal wacking it cause he forgot to lock the door, I won't get disturbed from slumber too if Kornblatt has a night terror and screams bloody murder while I curl up in the fetal position hoping he doesn't climb up to my bunk and stab me. Feels good. Feels really good.

and now for the gripes...

Late Night Eating: I mentioned in my past blog how I try to eat as healthy as possible when I can, but that mentality goes right out the window when I am blacked out. When I am blacked out I care about eating healthy as much as Lindsay Lohan cares about eating (can I make anorexic jokes, are those in for Fall 09?). Back in campus town these greasy fast food places are everywhere and are open even later. I can't be stopped...well I could be stopped but then I'd have to make a conscious effort to control my alcohol intake and we all know that is not going to happen anytime soon. If you see me stumbling around late at night around the streets of Champaign, ignore the obscenities I shout at you and please kindly direct me back inside my apartment, where there are no fast food restaurants. That way I can wake up in the mornings dumbfounded, wondering how I got here, but still feel secure that I did not eat anything last night that will make me sick all day.

309 E. Green Street: Granted this will be the nicest place I'll probably live in over the next 10 years, but you fuckers lied to us. Or you mislead us. I remember a giant poster touting the giant outdoor pool that we were to have. Could you please point it out to me. I found the really fucking small one but I can't seem to find the big advertised one. Same thing with the exercise center. Is that a fake one and the real workout room is behind it? Real mature Roland Realty, real mature. Always picking on the little guy (and yes I write that knowing full well that I'm not tall and you're chuckling about short jokes about me to yourself as we speak).

The Balcony: We live 17 stories above the ground. That's a long way down. Sometimes people(me) have a drink or two(get retarded) and do stupid things (like possibly falling off a balcony). This is a legitimate fear. If you know me you understand this fear. I do not want to die right now. I'm supposed to die 60 years from now when I have to swerve my flying car to avoid hitting a mother duck and her 6 trailing ducklings but lose control and crash into a popcorn factory. I keep my balcony door locked. You should too.

Gingers: nuff said.

Deutschers Wearing Frat Shirts: Okay I get it. You like your frat and wear your frat shirts everywhere you go. Your frat shirt may look good or have a funny slogan but it does not fucking empower you. I want to punch you in your backwards hat. Wearing that shirt is not cool. You cannot consider me Miles Davis. You're just like everybody else super frat guy, and as it turns out none of us really care. Tone down the attitude and stop sucking your own dick. Thank you to Dana Mason for pointing these people out to me, it has made some great blogging material.

And that's all folks. Hope you had fun. I sure did. Think about my blog when you masturbate later. Till next time, see you later knuckleheads.

Jaco

309 Quaterbacks

Finally settled into the apartment. It is the nicest place I may ever live in. We got wood floors, new kitchen equipment, and a sweet balcony. The building company still has found ways to fuck us. We were given a TV, but half the channels do not work. ESPN has no sound and the picture goes in and out. By the way, I do not hate ESPN, just some of the personalities. There is no wireless internet which was promised. The work out room is for girls...full of cardio machines and weights only up to 50. There is a hot tub...but I am afraid to bathe in the cum flavored water. There are also weird inconsistencies. One bathroom has a curtain and the other a door. Why the fuck would they do that? One room has a different closet door. Finally, there is a sausage problem. My entire floor is male and no females in sight. The building in general seems to be heavily male dominated with few new girls. The 17th floor is named North Halsted until some girls move in here. Strange building.

Favre:
Go die already. You are an annoying old man. Favre has said he did not want to go to training camp or live in a dorm. I think he doesn't want to talk to any teammates either, just beat the Packers and quit. I was ready to accept this when training camp started, but we are 2 weeks in and now you decide to show up. I hope Obama's insurance death panels decide you are too much of a burden on our society and youthenize you like a three legged dog. Speaking of why I have beef with ESPN, I am sure their producers popped wood when they got wind of this story. If there was a Yankee/Sox game they would be shooting HD 8 ropers at us. Peace Sage and Tavaris.

Vick:
I think it is time to let this go. The man went to prison for 2 years and did not hurt a human being. The NFL employs the worst scum on earth featuring numerous weapons charges, DUIs, and women beaters. So the Philadelphia Beagles (get it? funny right?) are not doing something new here. Yet, we do not hear about those guys on ESPN every day. Most couldn't run for a 1000 yards and throw a football a 100 yards though. I think he will play sparingly if at all. McNabb gets hurt every year so the opportunity may arise and Vick will do the wildcat/decoy thing as well. This is worth the risk for the Eagles with their established fan base and good locker room. Maybe Vick will torture Favre like the dogs and become a hero to all of America.

Thoughts:

• Lost 8 straight in basketball...fucking suck
• I want the little leaguers to pee in a cup. A few look too strong.
• Kevin Gregg is my favorite player.
• Child please.
  

Youtube Hit: Cage the Elephant

Senior Year Preview

I have wrestled with the idea of doing this article. It sounds like a cool idea, but there is so much to touch on. So, as of yesterday, this idea was dead. Today, after work, I received a sign from God much like Jesus and Abraham. I got an email from a teacher telling me to get a book, read it, expect a full day of work on day 1, and a homework list. Fuck life. When I say going back to school on Saturday, I mean go out and party, not school. So, fuck that and let's roll with the preview four years in the making. It is going to be bigger than the Olympics, World Cup, or any reunion Rolling Stones tour.

This is dedicated to the first night of school. The first time you threw up. To that weird roommate. To that cool roommate. To that party you wanna remember. To that random hook up. To that hook up you loved but hated the next day. To person you talked to for a while and now ignore. To that girl/guy. To that football game. To that session. To that bar fight. To all those times and more.

1703: Team Michael vs. Team Feldblatt. A battle brewing for many decades, perhaps in a previous life. Divided, this room will grow stronger (suck on that Lincoln). We will branch out and take over the floor with our rude and fun behavior.

The Players:
Michael P aka Handsome Bob- As a youth, he spent too long in front of mirror. Blinded by his stunning good lucks, he hopes to one day fuck himself. On the other side of that, he is unfazed in beer pong due to his supreme confidence. Currently, he wants to join the famous Luftwaffe or Tuskegee Airmen, but does not understand why he is not being accepted.

Michael J aka Bruce Banner- Banner is the man who becomes the Hulk when angry. Michael is a smart man who becomes Barney Gumble and Homer Simpson with 3 beers. Once claimed he could drink 14 shots, and failed. Recently scalped by Eli Roth, Brad Pitt, and Quentin Tarintino. Guest Blogger and potential law student, he struggles to find a cure for that and for a diet of pure Kashi Go Lean. Fighting for a cure. Unfortunately, that balcony spells bad news.

Kornelius aka The Animal- His sobriety makes Jaco look normal. Once a promising football star, now just a slow Jew. After several steroid treatments, he gave up on football to become an advertising executive like Don Draper, but more of a pervert and less hot women. He is the muscles of Team Feldblatt and will back up all of my drunken shit talking. His one weakness is that he cannot find his drinking mug.

Feld aka Smartest Man You Know- A shit talking Jew for a world with too many rappers and not enough MCs. When not ripping shots, he is dragging you down to his level. Few can match his pessimism and bleak outlook on life. He also has been know to prank with the best of him (shit in your closet). Being named Propaganda Chair of Sigma Alpha Mu has taught him the many ways of propaganda reaching from Nazi Germany to the Taliban. Constantly referring to disasters "too soon" and might not have a soul.

The games begin Saturday and end when each team looses a teammate to death by balcony or rape charge.

For the rest of you, there will be large amounts of drinking, blacking out, and other stupid shit. Bitter sweet, but I get to come back one more year.

Thoughts:

• Mad Men Season 3 Sunday
• New Team Name option: The Inglorious Basterds
• I might be the oldest person to attend a rush party next year. Maybe this year, but if I attend next year, I will set the record. Nice.
• Man goes to baseball game is shocked...by taser.
  
  

Lolla Recap

Grant Park today is covered in crushed beer cans, old cigarettes (legal and not), and sweat from hundreds of dirty hippies. Yes, Lollapalooza once again returned to the city as formal send off to summer vacation. I missed the rainy opening on Friday and lackluster lineup on Saturday, choosing to attend the finale on Sunday. Walking over to Grant Park with Matt and Becca Druker, and the largest man in the world, yes, Daniel Dorfman revealed that the weather was going to make the day a long struggle. I think I had sweat through my shirt before arriving at the park. With temperatures in the high 90's, we sought out some air conditioning first since we had missed Cage the Elephant. We walked over to the PlayStation Tent, where Matt was quick to point out that people had paid money to do what they could have done at home for free in better air conditioning. It also smelled like vinegar. The tent was pretty lame but it was right next to the bar and bathrooms. Kudos to the promoters for giving out free water bottles. I choose to hydrate with Bud Lights, and after 5 or 6 I didn't feel any of the effects of the alcohol due to the heat.

The first band we saw was Dan Deacon, an electric funk band with like 10 members. The first song sounded like shit and Deacon said so. They returned and went on to sound like crap. It only took one song to find out I was next to the hippie dancer guy. He throws his arms around and looks stupid. Fucking PFs were everywhere, outnumbering the hot hippie girls. Deacon kept telling people to dance in certain ways, which I found annoying. They formed the a long hippie conga line. Fucking morons.

Afterwards, I took a trip to the bar and wonderful line of port-a-potties. Not exciting normally, but this time it was. A beautiful blonde child of the flower people was in front of me and accidentally ran into me. She apologized and we had idle talk about the heat. She offered an extra shirt to wipe off the sweat she got on me. I declined (want more of her sweat). She then said I should take advantage of being a guy and take my shirt off. I told her I didn't look as good as she (I am very smooth) but did it anyways (not sure if she got what she expected). We went to our separate toilets and never saw each other again, maybe in another life though.

My rock and roll roots are founded in more aggressive bands such as Foo Fighters, Metallica, Nirvana, and Rage Against the Machine, so my life has come full circle when I say that Vampire Weekend and Passion Pit, two more pop like bands, were amazing. VW sounded just like their CD and were great to chill on the lawn and listen to. We caught the last 20 minutes of Passion Pit. They played on a small stage surrounded by trees and it was packed. The crowd was really into the poppish sounding band. I enjoyed what I saw and have now downloaded their songs. Best surprise of the day.


Snoop Dog was next and I had no expectations for him. He was a lot of fun constantly engaging the audience telling us to lite joints and fuck the police. His hour long set was awesome and led by his band. Very high energy and the most crowded set to play the big stage that day. We also enjoyed his rotating set of body guards who were wearing suits in the high heat. Another problem arose, as word spread of heavy rains up north. We got lucky when the rain missed us but we got the comforting cloud cover.

Finally the Killers closed out the weekend. It was the least crowded finale I had seen at the festival compared to last year. Becca established a radius of empty space and almost killed a hippie dancer who ran into her. They performed all of the hits and few other songs. Brandon Flowers, the lead singer, told some boring stories in between and that got a little annoying (partly because I think he is an arrogant ass who once said Sam's Town was the greatest album ever). I enjoyed "Spaceman", "All Things I've Done", and "Mr. Brightside". "When We were Young" was the last song and rocked very hard. I am still singing it today. They had a great light show and some pyro stuff in the background. I am glad I saw them and can cross another band off of my list. Amazing ending to a great day. Hopefully, I will be there all three days next year.

Thoughts:

• Senior Year Preview later. Not enough stamina to finish...that's what she said.
• Jaco was a nice addition. Good job, but critics are rough kid.
• Warm beer after 4 at Lollapalooza...sucks.
• Look out for Them Crooked Vultures, the super group feautring Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters), Jonh Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin), and John Homme (Queens of the Stone Age). They appeared to the world last night after Lolla at the Metro in Chicago. Album is rumored to come out in October.