Insert Title

Pizza:
The life of a pizza maker is hectic and not overly glamorous (think Studio 54 without the hot chicks and flour instead of cocaine, but about the same amount). Long hours and constant movement have left me pretty exhausted. I have seen great improvement in my skills and next week should be better. Opening up Tuesday and working all week, so all night time pizzas will have a little Feld in them (not saying which part or how much).

Movies:
Watched The International last night. The movie stars Clive Owen as an Interpol Agent and Naomi Watts as a New York DA. The plot revolves around a bank that takes organized crime money and then for some complicated reason sells weapons with it. Apparently, every bank does this now that mortgages have busted (what if Chase gave you a rifle for using your debit card...then next time you could just rob the grocery store or stuff it full of pennies and have exact change). You would think it would be easy to hate a bank (or an insurance company or a car manufacturer) in today's economy, but I didn't really care. The film's plot is overly complicated. The one action scene in the Guggenheim is solid, but the film is really slow. A lot of talk and little action (think Tom Clancy movies with more English accents). The film ends with President Obama killing Clive Owen and saying "There's your Bailout!"...well not really but he wouldn't let a bank go down so the plot is unrealistic. Overall, do not watch this expecting to see James Bond (the film is kinda like Quantum of Solace's stupid brother).

Sports:
-Go Pittsburgh...but I think Detroit is winning. They are too good. Text me the score because I will be at work til 11.

-Way to go Derrick Rose...things keep getting worse. I don't blame a 20 year old for taking a picture that is inappropriate (check out my facebook), but life has been coming after Rose with a vengeance this week. I hope he can block all of the negative news out of his head and focus on getting better (please, don't ride a motorcycle like the last star point guard).

-The NBA Finals are on right now as I type this...and I could care less. I like basketball, but the NBA is so slow.

Overall, I couldn't come up with a title. Suggest one. That is all.

A Bunch of Assholes

Three men have thrown their names into the ring for the 2009 Biggest Dueche Bag Awards….let’s take a look:

1. Tim Floyd, former NBA and college basketball coach

Coach Floyd had a lot of success as the head coach of Iowa State where he recruited future NBA players such as Marcus Fizer, Jamal Tinsley, Kirk Hinrich, and Nick Collison (the last two left for Kansas after Floyd left, good moves) and Paul Shirley. Most people remember Floyd as the only person dumb enough to accept the Bulls head coaching job on July 23, 1998 (turned down by Eddie/Whoppi Goldberg, Gordon Bombay, and Gene Hackman). This was after Jerry Krause purged the roster of Jordan, Pippen, and everyone else who had any talent (leaving stars such as Corey Benjamin and Keith Booth, no relation to John Wilkes Booth). You can’t blame him for the record of 49-190 because Randy Brown was his starting point guard, but he should have know better than to take the job. After quitting in 2001 and coaching a little in New Orleans, he returned to college and took the job at USC. He coached them to three NCAA Tournaments while staying under the salary cap of $50 million dollars...wait, I meant to write he paid thousands of dollars to get players to play for a school that doesn’t have any basketball tradition or great facilities. Yesterday, amid Federal and NCAA investigations, he quit because he couldn’t afford to buy off the investigators (he did apply for some bailout money).

2. Jeremy Mayfield

I don’t watch or care about NASCAR, but this story is interesting. Mayfield was suspended months back for a positive drug test, and yesterday it was revealed that he tested positive for meth. Driving 200 mph (322 kph for our Euro readers…number one blog in Kazakhstan) isn’t that interesting sober, so I see no problem with this. Sure, you could kill white trash in a crash, but the colors you see when you are high on meth are pretty sweet. This man is an idiot and should be banned to his trailer park home for the rest of his life (no visits from his cousins).

3. Jimmy Fallon

My friend Gupta can only be described as stubborn. Any opinion different from his draws a large argument and he will call you stupid. He said such to me when I said Jimmy Fallon sucks. I will not accept that and confess to being an anti-Fallonite (the South will rise again!). I planned to watch a weeks worth of shows to see if I was missing anything, and after 2 shows, I can’t do it anymore (I want to drive into a trash compactor or randomly self-combust into flames). His delivery and interview skills are terrible. His sketches, including a Hills based one in his office, are not funny. He had a game where Kelly Ripa licked a tuba for $10 (I’d pay her to lick something else…). If someone can say something positive about him, I’d like to hear it. Watch The Daily Show or Colbert Report for entertainment and real interesting programming.

Youtube Music Hit of the Week: Matt and Kim – Daylight.

Quote of the Week:

"I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody, so that's it, I'm just going to come and play the game." – Manny Ramirez

Dicking around on Youtube (Cy Young Winners Over Here!)

I usually am not a Youtube person. People like Chocolate Rain and the Chapstick Girl (if you search them instead of reading my blog I will shove my foot up your ass) have ruined the internet and made being a idiot cool. But Youtube has many useful functions such as finding songs, movie trailers, and funny commercials...and people getting hurt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JocPcYBCN18&annotation_id=annotation_823724&feature=iv

If you haven't seen Brett Michaels of Poison fame (go ask your parents) and from that terrible VH1 show get knocked out by a stage at the Tony's, then please click and feel free to come back. We may never know why he was there since he may be dead or in a coma (hopefully). If this was staged, then I suggest that the Tony's hurt a wash uped celebrity every year because I will DVR it (then delete it for space).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ltD21rYWVw

Greatest commercial ever considering steroids fueled it. I remembered it when Johnny Damon mentioned how chicks dig the long ball after being asked why he doesn't steal bases anymore.

Finally, congrats to Jason Kipnis of Arizona St. and GBN alumni. He was picked 63rd by the Indians today. I had the pleasure of guarding him during football practice (I was number 86 in case you doubt me). I shut him down a few times, usually by cheating. Congrats and good luck.

Updates and Requests

Today, as mentioned by Mariner Tom, was the basketball match up between the old Attic Quad vs. the New Quad of room 9. The Old Quad feature degenerates such as Ben "English T" Klassman, Harrison "Dirtiest Kid Alive" Leibow, Tom "The Dego" Degarmo, and myself aka Bruce Bowen (I think I play good defense and I love to play dirty and call you a pussy when you call a foul). We were playing a McNugget, a ginger, freakishly tall and mentally impaired man, and a kid who knows nothing about sports. This was their challenge to us and they told us that they would win with ease. Not so fast my friends. Ben did his best Rashard Lewis impression (against the Cavs...not the Lakers) and extended the court with some 3's. Harrison had his gyro ball shot working. Tom broke down the ginger (red heads are not people). I worked my game and helped create offense while hurling up some decent attempts. Overall, Original flavor wiped the floor with them, 4 games to zero. They had us on the rope in game four due to the conversation about "The Hangover". In conclusion, get the fuck out and never call yourselves a quad.

-I have been experiencing an upset stomach lately. Food poisoning? No. White Sox baseball. I think Carl Pavano will win 300 games next...if the Indians play us every day.

-Dougie Fresh requested a Bears outlook. I didn't really want to because it is so early, but he is a loyal reader so I will do it. For the first time in a while, outlook seems optimistic. Sure they didn't solve the defensive or WR problems, but they got a bitchy quarterback. Cutler will be great and they will win hopefully 10 games if the defensive wakes up. The team can win with these wide receivers (I still have my cleats if they are interested).

-Finally, I have absolutely nothing going on during these summer days. I neither travel to the city for work or even work a full day. To kill my time, I have started two things. The first is twitter and my name is joshfeld1 (I am not that creative and toolbag1 was already taken). I am not sure what twitter is (heard it is good for the skin) but hit me up on it. Second is updown.com. This site allows me to virtually trade $1 million and see how I do against the market. I bought Dollar Tree (thanks to Shafal) and Live Nation stock. I will post how I am doing and I would love some competition.

I'm a Celebrity...let's go to Regal?

This blog owes thanks to Jeff W. Thanks for the suggestion of the topic.

After Memorial Day, I went to Bally's Gym (sorry I am not rich enough to work out at LifeTime or Fitness 19) to work out and continue work sculpting my six pack abs (one day...). I try to work out in the middle of the day in order to avoid the Russian/Ukrainian steroid users that pack the place at night (USSR members get half off). The day crowd is a mix of old and weird people or porn freaks. These porn freaks, or pfs, are the people who work out in jeans, workman boots (gym shoes were named after someone decided they should be worn in the gym, according to wikipedia), or with Bluetooth headsets. You do not want to be a porn freak. Opposite end of the spectrum is porn king…and if you have to ask then you aren’t there yet.

Much to my surprise, Joakim Noah was lifting at Bally’s in the middle of the day the Tuesday after Memorial Day. I did not plan on saying anything to him because he was on the other side of the room, and I would not want to be disturbed by every single person if I was famous. I went to a bench and started my lifting, and after one set, he went to the bench next to me. This sign from God was obvious. I congratulated him on a nice playoffs and asked him about Ben Gordon. Noah was very nice about it and said thanks and that he wants Gordon back. This was kind of cool, but then he started lifting 60 pound free weights. I was doing 70s (I’m so Dwight Horward). Score one for the little Jew kid, although I realize he’d murder me in one punch if he desired, but still a boost to my self confidence. Then I saw him the shower… (for details ladies please verify you are 18 and enter a valid credit card number, only $9.99 a month).

Then it happened last night. At the Regal in Lincolnshire last night, Jaco, Jeff, and I were waiting for Ben because he had the tickets. Jeff points out that Aaron Gray is leaving behind us, so I turn around and yell, “Nice playoffs.” Aaron played in 2 games for a total of 9 minutes, but he was nice and said thanks. I was more surprised that the girl he was with was so small. When they make love, it must feel like an eclipse, she can’t see anything behind him (like a car being flung at you). One wrong slip and she is trapped in a pale avalanche of former All American basketball player (can always eat the other members like those guys in the Andes). By the way, tons of porn freaks go to Regal, but they are not as interesting as Aaron Gray.

Saw the Hangover. Was very funny and enjoyed it from beginning to end (credits were the best part). If you liked Old School¸ also made by Todd Phillips, then you will enjoy this film. It’s the first hangover you’ll want to last (maybe they will put that line in the commercial, or maybe I’m tool).

-Congrats Randy Johnson on 300 wins. You are the biggest unit. Ever. Was “The Ant Eater” taken already?

-I live vicariously through my blog. I drink Keystones and have awkward moments everyday. I might be number 126,789 in terms of most interesting people in Cook County.

-Get well soon Mikey P. Heard they got that anal bead out and you can pass gas without the fear of sending it through a bunch of skulls like Angelina Jolie in end of Wanted when she kills all those guys (can you curve it Mikey?).

Random Things

-Surprised to see this bit of news this morning. Gordon Beckham, college baseball player of the year from Georgia and No. 8 pick from last year's draft, got the call from the White Sox last night. Not sure where he will be playing full time, but the kid can hit. Very excited to see him in action.

-My computer crashed yesterday (I blame Steve Jobs and Justin Long). This is the first problem I have ever had with my PC and it is fixed thanks to my brother. I am not a tech person so I don't know if MAC is better than PC or reverse, but I do know my PC was cheaper than a MAC and plays music and goes on the internet. That's all I really need and I saved money. If I had backed up my files, then I would have music, so I am asking all readers to burn me some music or bring their IPODS here to help me recover.

-Lebron "King of Leon" James is already a New Yorker at heart. He is rude and a poor sport. Why not punt the ball into the stands next time? I think the man is a great talent with a terrific personality, but you have to shake hands and talk to the media. I don't care to hear why Big Z thought he could make threes or why Mo Williams couldn't hit a shot until the series was over.

-Going wit da Lake Show in 5. The President picked the Super Bowl and NCAA Tourny right, but I disagree with him on the number of games. The Magic will give the Lakers fits, but the Nuggets prepared them for this showdown and they will take care of business. I am willing to bet the President an Obama bill on it (at his popularity level, Andrew Jackson might be getting the boot very soon).

Tonight...Cheating...Pizza...and some Sexy Twilight Action

Let’s start out with a big congratulations to Conan O’Brien, who finally took over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno. I am a huge fan of the former Late Night host (fuck I hate Jimmy Fallon) and know he will figure out the right mix for the new and older audiences. I’m lucky enough to say that I went to a taping of the Late Night Show in Chicago three years ago and witnessed Chewbacca giving George Wendt, an actor from Cheers, a massage….and a happy ending? Andy Richter was a row behind me for a skit and Conan brought pizza to the crowds waiting on State Street. In addition, some black guy was the main guest, think Obama something. But, the most important thing was seeing a Wookie in person.

Pizza:

This week was supposed to be a full out pizza training week, but construction problems have pushed it back to next week. I did make a pizza yesterday. Making a deep dish pizza involves like 20 simple steps, some must be done in a particular order or after a certain amount of time. Overall, with practice I feel the steps will come naturally as long as I keep my arm (and penis) out of the mixer that run with like 15 horsepower. The first pizza I made was a large, juicy, sausage pizza for a lonely housewife and I delivered it in porno fashion….well not really, the people working ate it (no has died….yet), but one day that might happen for some lucky delivery guy.

Sports:

Sometimes you watch a movie and root for the villain as much as the hero such as Darth Vader from Star Wars, Hans Gruber from Die Hard, or Heath Ledger from Dark Knight (too soon?). Well, I am rooting for Bud Selig’s enemy named Manny Ramirez, the player who seems to hate the game he is so skilled at. I want him in the All Star game and I want Bud to sit there and look more constipated than usual. I am a huge fan of Mannywood and suggest everyone vote for him at http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/events/all_star/y2009/ballot_reg.html. Does he deserve to start? No. Is he better than the other starters…yes. He has two rings and is a better hitter than Soriano, who can’t seem to figure out how to hit that slider in the dirt yet. In the words of Hawk Harrelson, “He kills us”.

Speaking of cheaters, we cannot leave out Derrick Rose, who allegedly cheated on his SAT and took money from the school. Nothing is proven, but if true this will not affect his NBA career and will be forgotten once Brandon Marshall hits the streets of Atlanta or Denver. But, he is not that different from Barry Bonds or Manny. Both had Hall of Fame skills already, but needed a little help for records and big contracts. Rose would have made the NBA without playing in college, but he would not have been the No. 1 pick without the NCAA Tournament. Michael Beasley was the consensus number one pick up until the Final Four, since most NBA teams will take a big guy with potential over a guard. So thanks to cheating, Rose is the number one pick. If both played in Europe and the Rose was not from Chicago, then Beasley is the number one pick. I give a guy like Brandon Jennings, a high school star who did not qualify for college and played in Europe, a lot of credit for not cheating the system. He will be a lottery pick in late June and does not have a scandal hanging over him.

Culture:

I have had a desire to read more lately. I went to borders last night and almost bought Twilight…but then thought I saw someone (a threatening 12-year-old girl, bitch) and put it down. What the fuck is Twilight? The movie trailers make it look like a Harry Potter porno. Besides, didn’t Wesley Snipes kill all the Vampires yet? Am I too old or the wrong sex to get involved in the series? Is it bad if I Netflix it? I just feel like I am missing out on a great movie that swept the Oscars...oh wait, the MTV Movie Awards. Same thing right? Didn't Bruno dip his balls in Jack Nicholson's face? I did buy Can I Keep my Jersey? by Paul Shirley. Shirley was a skilled college basketball player and now is a scrub in the NBA. He is the guy who you point at the end of the bench and say that you could beat but can’t. NBA 2K rates him as one of the worst players in the NBA. It is a very sarcastic read about the life. Also, check out the band Gaslight Anthem. Got their album The ’59 Sound and really liked it. Kind of like a mature Blink 182 without the fear of flying (too soon?).

Thanks for reading. Going to try and post later this week about pizza updates and The Hangover (the film, not my life).